Desperate Housewives
It Wasn't Meant To Happen

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It Wasn't Meant To Happen

Previously: Gabby fell in love with a baby, Susan slept with Karl (again), and we learned that Hempy Peter is a sex addict.

This week's MAVO flashback fun features Karl and his many breakups. Apparently his favorite parting MO is to sneak out of a woman's house early in the morning, leaving nothing but a note in his wake. This morning, Karl is kneeling at Edie's bedside, praying to the god of goodbyes that this one will go off without a hitch. MAVO: "Karl Mayer didn't pray often, but when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help in breaking up with a woman, and to spare him the nasty drama that usually accompanied such callous and [patented MAVO bemused pause] unexpected departures. Over the years, Karl had dumped dozens of women, and not one of them had ever seen it coming." We flash back on a series of sleeping beautiful women from all walks of life -- the sophisticated woman in the satin negligee, the girly woman with the stuffed animals, the rugged woman with the bicycle suspended from her wall -- each of them rolling over to find one of Karl's notes. MAVO tells us how he always planned each parting "meticulously," which has allowed him to accumulate an amazing record of clean getaways from women who "did not want to see him go."

Back in the now, Karl is quietly and sneakily assembling all his bags. MAVO: "So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt, Karl prayed to God yet again to help him avoid all the [bemused pause] unnecessary drama. Unfortunately for Karl [Edie's alarm goes off, at the somewhat unusual time of "6:10"], God was in the mood to be entertained." Edie rolls over and her fingers brush Karl's note. She opens her eyes and sees Karl standing there with all his luggage. Karl does a cartoon-y raised-eyebrow "whoopsies!" smile; then he makes a comic, Snagglepussy exit -- stage left, even. And the plucky DH music soars.

Outside, Karl frantically throws all his stuff into his open convertible, steps over the door, and then tries to start the car. But the engine, she won't start! I guess spanking-new Mustangs aren't that reliable? I guess I'll just go ahead and cancel that order. ("You couldn't have give him a Yaris?" a Ford executive sighs dejectedly at his flat-screen somewhere in Detroit.) Karl tries and tries, and even gives the obligatory "c'mon, c'mon"s, but the car still won't oblige. And then out runs Edie, looking pretty good for 6 AM in her matching lavender cotton lace cami and drawstring jammie pants. Edie is questioning the contents of the note, specifically the "let's be honest with ourselves" and "we haven't been happy in a long time" parts. (It's like Microsoft added a "Dump" tool to Word: "It appears you are writing a breakup note. Have you considered adding an 'I hope we can be friends someday,' as a PS?") Edie: "Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch? I have been ECSTATIC!" Whee! Karl uncomfortably confesses that he is the one who hasn't been happy, and Edie very reasonably asks why, then, did he ask her to marry him? Karl stares off into space and reveals that he actually has no idea. Edie shouts that she's gloated to every woman in the neighborhood about her pending nups, et cetera, and Karl tries to embrace her, but deflects his huggers with a double wax off and asks if there's "someone else." Karl doesn't say yes, but he doesn't say no, either, and Edie gets the message loud and clear. She drops an OMG; then she starts looking around for something to club him with. She spies a rake leaning against her house, and makes a beeline for it. Karl: "Oh crap." He leaps back into his car and desperately cranks his starter again and again. (Ford CEO: "Here we go with another round of layoffs.") But then, just as Edie's winding up for her swing, the engine catches! Crazy, isn't it, how things like that work out? Karl gives a huge "phew," and then smiles winningly at Edie and hits the gas. And it looks like it's totally the FUTURE for Karl, except for the huge garbage truck that smashes right on into him, crumpling in the whole front end of his shiny new 'Stang. Edie looks at his steaming hood in shock, and Karl just sits there, looking betrayed. MAVO: "Karl couldn't help but [sic] wonder why God had forsaken him. It never occurred to him that God [pause for ultimate hilarity] might be a woman." Crazy!

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Desperate Housewives




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