Betty is finishing up a house tour she's giving to a couple of highly motivated buyers. "Once the stairs are repaired," she tells them, "I'll show you the basement." Matthew walks up, all, "???" Betty: "The house just sold. Start packing." I don't care how hot that couple was for a spot on Wisteria Lane; there's no way they'd actually buy the house without first getting a look at the basement. Even less believable is the notion that Betty didn't take care of the whole dungeon/murder scene before she actually started showing the house. But okay.
Down at the make-out gazebo, Danielle is having a meltdown. Matthew can't move away! She LOVES HIM!!! I wonder when that happened? I guess the reason Danielle's been completely absent from the show for lo these many weeks is because she's been off with Matthew, riding horses on the beach and sharing tubs of popcorn and all those other "falling in love" scenarios, including the "oops you've got mustard on your chin" sequence. Anyway, so Danielle is peppering all these panicked questions at Matthew. Why can't Caleb go away to a nuthouse? (Because Betty would never let "strangers take care of him.") Why can't they just call the police and get Caleb removed that way? (Because the police would arrest Matthew and Betty, too.) Matthew tries to calm her down by promising that he'll call her every day. Danielle -- looking very much like Mary from Little House (including the totally lame "blind girl" middle-distance stutter-stare) -- screeches that she doesn't want a "phone buddy," she wants a "BOYFRIEND!!!" Sexy girlfriend! Danielle threatens that she's perfectly capable of going the police on her own, but then she immediately backtracks and whines about how much she loves Matthew, how she's willing to do anything, anything?, ANYTHING to keep Matthew in Fairview. Matthew -- looking like he's finally seeing Danielle for the first time, and he's maybe not liking what he sees: "Yeah, I see that now." Danielle: "You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something." Matthew, like a robot, tells her not to worry; he'll think of something. And the "I guess it's time for me to start picking out an outfit for Danielle's funeral" music swells!
It's late, late at night, and Lynette's still at work. Her computer screen is awash with heinous Excel spreadshits when suddenly an IM from "T-MAN SCAVO" pops up. In all-caps, he asks her, "WHEN R U COMING HOME?" "AT THIS RATE? NEVER," replies LYNETTE65. Ho, it appears that the Cherry has consulted with his intern staff on this one, trying for the most "authentic" IM-style speak, when really, Tom and Lynette would be much more likely to type in complete, lower-case sentences just like all the other parent/late-adapters do. ["Hey! Even in an IM, good grammar costs nothing! But seriously, are you saying I IM like a mom?" -- Wing Chun] But enough with the embarrassingly picky nitpick. Far more important: the Scavos are having IM sex! T-Man: "HE'S KEEPING YOU LATE AND I'M HORNY!" Lynette smiles and rolls her head lasciviously, and Prince-types: "WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 DO ABOUT THAT?" Then Lynette drops a sugar packet onto the floor, and when she bends to pick it up, whoops, a new IM window pops open. It's boss Ed, wondering if she wants any coffee. Of course Lynette doesn't notice that the IM windows have changed, so she types back to Ed's innocent offer of coffee with "I WANT 2 LICK YOU FROM HEAD TO FOOT." The camera does a comedy zoom in on the name in the new window, ED FERRARA, and Lynette looks like she's just eaten a barf sandwich. And while this scene may seem kind of far-fetched, I can personally attest to the fact that IM window mix-ups do, in fact, happen. All the time. So while they may be little off with the lingo, I still say kudos to the Housewives writers for using this little modern foible to comedic effect, huzzah.