...Tom, back at home, screaming at Mrs. McCluskey to bring him more pain pills. $8.50 says he develops a Vicodin problem within the next two episodes. Lynette bursts in, thrilled with the news that she's found their new manager. But when Lynette confesses that the wildly overqualified candidate is recovering from the smallest of cocaine problems, Tom puts his foot down. Or, more precisely (seeing as he's incapable of putting any feet down, for the next five months at least), he whines like a bratty little girl. No junkies at the Scavoria! Crushed, Lynette sighs and wanders off, vaguely saying something about how she guesses she'll "keep looking." Mrs. McC, there with Tom's pain pills, cuffs him brusquely on the head. Ha!
Oh right, Gabby. So the Salt and Peppered Politico (my absolute favorite flavor or Kettle Chip, by the by) is still in the picture, and they're just finishing up another date. S&P wants to come inside Gabby's house, but since he treats it like sex is par for the intercourse, Gabby is suddenly reluctant to give her milk away for free. S&P graciously agrees to "be patient," allowing that "the chase is half the fun." Gabby: "Half the fun? Oh honey, if I ever do say 'yes,' you're going to adjust that percentage waaay down." Gabby kisses S&P long and hard, and then disappears inside. S&P swoons. Gabby, not having sex? Is this the same Gabby who was so hot to get Zana's lawyer, Luke, into bed 3.14 seconds after meeting him just four episodes back?
Susan is in bed, wearing a sexy getup consisting pink lacy nightie-thing over an impossible to ignore black-bra-and-panty set. She is sexily posed on her side, knees up, head propped up on one hand, and she's busy stroking...a plate of cheese. A plate of cheese! So awesome. Ian teases her for the relentless cheese eating, and Susan counters that it's a perfectly acceptable midnight snack. "Unless you can think of something else I can nibble on," she coquettes. And the award for "Shortest Distance from Awesome to Ew" now officially goes to Ian and Susan, in "The Cheesy Romance" scene. Oh, and also Ian calls her a "cheddar-breathed tease," which is so repulsively evocative a term that I think the FCC should add to its list of seven dirty words. But all the flirtatious cheese talk (who knew there could even be such an animal?) derails when Ian notices the wrapped and ready "thanks for saving us from drowning in the two-foot pond" gift that Susan has prepared for Mike, which is somewhat oddly sitting right next to her bed (though I guess I've been known to use my bed for wrapping presents, too, so I'll allow it). Ian spiels inanely that he's really the one to thank for the life-saving, seeing as his scream was what alerted Susan to the presence of the deer, without which Susan "would have ended up with an antler through [her] brain." Susan humors Ian, and they reconvene with the cheese-fueled make-out session, except that the specter of Mike's gift causes Ian's equipment to go from Parmesan to Camembert. Hard cheese to soft cheese, you follow? Oh fine: Ian loses his erection. Susan tries to get him to talk about it, but he all he wants to do is sit there and pout, leaving Susan with nothing else to do but sit on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. You know what's even less attractive than an inability to swim? Erectile dysfunction petulance.