Desperate Housewives
Liaisons

Episode Report Card
Evany: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Deep, Deep Freeze

Previously: did you read last week's recap? Then you're golden, girl.

So we pick up right where the Edie-and-Carlos sexual cliffhanger of last week dumped us: Edie has finished taking Carlos for a spin, and now she's lying in the post-coital bed, still naked, her not-so-private parts swaddled in sweat-wrinkled sheets. And she does not look happy. My first instinct is to interpret the look on her face as "first hateful stirrings of urinary tract infection," but as we soon discover, the problem goes way beyond Edie's over-trafficked genitals.

Mary Alice -- who apparently still feels the need to nose in on the doings of Wisteria Lane long after the mystery of her suicide has been explained and her family has been more or less written out of the storyline -- sing-songs, "Edie Britt had always thought of herself as passionate." We flash back on Edie throwing man after different man down onto beds and up against walls, dirty Road House-style. Back in the now, we see Carlos, lying with his back to Edie in a classic Cliffhanger Pose. The look on his face is identical to Edie's: pained and disturbed, and perhaps just a little bit itchy. MAVO tells us that Carlos also thinks of himself as "passionate." But unlike the potpourri of sexual conquests in Edie's flashbacks, Carlos's flashbacks all feature one woman: Gabby. Could it be that Carlos is a Virgin Plus One, just like Ian? MAVO twinkles on that both Edie and Carlos had always secretly assumed that if their two passionate paths ever crisscrossed in bed, it would be "amazing": "And in fact, it was. Amazingly...BAD!" The patented tart Desperate "arched eyebrow" xylophone chingles knowingly. Carlos and Edie exchange some highly uncomfortable morning-after talk as they scramble back into last night's fetid clothing. Carlos offers up a half-hearted invite to "do this again," and then he and Edie both scramble to lie about all their many scheduling conflicts. MAVO: "It was at that moment Edie and Carlos had the exact same thought: they would definitely be having sex again. Just not? With each other." Oh Mary Alice, you scamp! And roll those tired old credits!

And now for this week's MAVO theme: Aw, Look at All The Lonely People. Sadly, we are not treated to Edie's walk of shame home -- and it's a shame, because that wrinkled black satin top and two-inch lime green mini would have looked so good limping up the Lane, black lacy bra in hand! Instead we get old Ida gossiping passionately with a plant. Drunk again, I see. We push-transition to Kayla, talking to the Scavo dog, which, in an unexpected nod to continuity -- so unusual for this show! -- is actually the same puppy of Lynette's infamous vagina bait-and-switch. Semi-disturbingly, Kayla can be clearly heard confessing, "I kind of like it!" directly into the floppy ear of McMuff the Vagin' Dog (that's right: like McGruff the Crime Dog, only with a lady-part spin). Push-trans to some random Fairview man yelling at his television, then push trans to Mrs. McCluskey, who sitting in her basement, talking to her dead husband. MAVO: "And the loneliest of all are the ones who talk to people...who are no longer there." Propped up next to a cornucopia of detergents -- five different bottles at least -- is a photo of Mrs. McC and "Gilbert" in younger days. Mrs. McC awkwardly plot-summarizes to the dead-and-gone Gilbert that Tom had his back surgery "last week" (which makes no sense, given Edie leaving Carlos's house just this morning -- clearly, the sex wasn't good enough to warrant a whole week in bed), and that, any second now, Lynette is for sure going to call begging Mrs. McC to start her babysitting shift early. As she talks, she fishes a fudgesicle out of the freezer. Hm, that freezer sure is on the large size for one woman living on her own, even for a lover of frozen novelties such as Mrs. McC. Why, it's about the length and width of, say, a COFFIN! A COFFIN, I say!

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Desperate Housewives

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