Desperate Housewives
Liaisons

Episode Report Card
Evany: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Deep, Deep Freeze

Fairview Farmers' Market (who knew?). Ian is indulging in some kind of sick and elaborate fetish that involves fondling an orange at the Citrus City tent while chatting to Susan -- who is over at the cheese tent -- on his celly. Susan, it seems, is having some difficulty tearing herself away from the free samples. Mike walks up to Ian and starts fondling oranges, too (the fetish thickens!). Ian petulantly accuses him of following him and Susan, and Mike laughingly dismisses the accusation, even going so far as to cock an eyebrow -- a fairly huge display of emotion for the Stoneman. "Fairview's a small town," Mike scoffs. "You want distance? Move to The City." Ian's face thinks that's actually not such a bad idea.

Done with their cheese sampling and orange squeezing, Susan and Ian hit the road for home. Huh, you'd think he'd be driving, what with Susan's klutziness (explored at length in last week's episode) and Ian's fragile manhood. Ian "casually" (sarcastiquotes) mentions that there's been some troublesome "corporate restructuring" at work, and that he's going to be spending a lot more time in London; maybe he and Susan should relocate? Susan is not thrilled -- what about Julie, who's got a year left of high school? Yeah! Five minus points to Ian for not even considering Julie in his crazy jealousy-motivated move half way around the globe. Susan, understandably distracted, looks away from the road for a second, and out pops a deer. Ian screams; Susan swerves off the road, and the car flips into a pond. Wow...that was unexpected. Though not exactly atypical: Susan has a history of getting distracted and running her car off the road. She's actually done it more than once. Not only that, but it runs in the family. (And again I ask, why isn't Ian the one doing the driving?) To give the dramatic turn of events time to truly sink in, ABC cuts to commercial.

When we return, Ian and Susan are clinging to the upside-down car like it's a life-or-death situation, even though the pond looks all of four feet deep, and they're maybe twenty feet from shore. It soon becomes apparent that Ian can't swim. Not to knock people who can't swim, but is there anything less sexy than not being able to swim? Other than insatiable jealousy. And last week's whole pre-nup thing. You know, I have officially lost all sight of what it is that Susan sees in Ian. I bet he can't even drive stick. No offense to men who can't drive stick...though really, a guy might as well have a Ken doll nub for a penis if he can't handle a manual transmission. While Susan and Ian are otherwise busy bickering (Susan: "You said you played water polo!" Ian: "I said polo! With horses!"), stalker Mike pulls up, whips off his t-shirt (though not his shoes, which as every card-carrying lifeguard knows, are the first things that someone in rescue mode should take off...I guess Mike just really likes his chiseled pectorals to run free when he embarks on a death-defying damsel- and damsel's-fiancé-saving mission. If rescuing someone from a wee little pond can be considered death-defying). When they're safely on shore, Susan, wet in a bedraggled (not sexy) way, breathlessly thanks Mike: "You saved our lives. And our cheese!" It's true; topless Mike hands Susan her bag of cheese. And another fetish is born! (Though I suspect pond-brining doesn't do much to improve the cheese, though what do I know...Keckler? Can we get a ruling on this?) Thoroughly emasculated by Mike's cheese fetish-tainted bravery, Ian scowls, his jealousy alert level now officially at Severe.

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Desperate Housewives

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