Desperate Housewives
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Evany: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Deep, Deep Freeze

Nighttime. Edie, wearing a very cute '50s-inspired dress that I actually kind of covet (a first as far as Edie's cinched and plunged wardrobe is concerned), walks up to Carlos, standing in his driveway. He politely asks how she's doing. Edie: "I'm good...you might not think so, but I. Am. Good." And then she just lights into him, screaming about what Travers overheard about her sexual shortcomings. By way of an apology, Carlos says it's just a tradition he has with his cousin; they "always trade bad date stories," which only serves to lividify Edie even more. Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my drier!" And also: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the Border Patrol!" (My boyfriend Marco: "Wow. That's borderline racist." Evany: "Oh. I get it. 'Borderline.'") Carlos: "You just lay there while I did all the work. After we were done I felt like I should deflate you." Which is...actually an amazingly apt description of Nicollette Sheridan; something about proportion of her eyes to nose to mouth really does seem synthetic (though I'd say she was more in the $10,000 RealDoll leagues).

So, of course, all this yelling leads to another round of sexing. (Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?" Edie: "Yeah, I'll fall on that grenade." Carlos: "Oh there's gonna be an explosion.") Much to my delighted surprise, though, they didn't go the "anger as sexual lubricant" route; I was so, so sure we were going to have to spend the rest of the season watching Carlos and Edie invent arguments because they couldn't have sex any other way, "let me stand next to your ire" and all that. But this time around, the sex is even worse that before: Edie throws Carlos against his fridge, and a pepper grinder falls on his head; Carlos throws Edie down on the table and she lands on a fork; Carlos jumps on top of Edie and the table collapses. Cut to...

...Carlos and Edie sitting in a doctor's examination room. (Such a funny cut!) Edie's thrown out her back, and Carlos has had his hand stitched up. Doctor: "So, how'd you folks get so banged up? Car accident?" Edie: "Bad sex." Carlos: "Really bad." Funny, funny! The doctor raises his eyebrows in surprise, hands Edie a prescription for painkillers, and leaves. Edie and Carlos, the wind totally out of their sails, have a nice conversation about how it's "for the best" -- now that they've "gotten it out of [their] system[s]," they can go back to the safety of Just Friends.

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Desperate Housewives

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