Amnesia, hustlers, and yard sales: oh my! So, Mike is out of his coma! At least, his eyes are open and he's talking. He may actually qualify as still comatose, though. Edie is his Whorence Nightingale and, while she's spoon-feeding him pudding, poisons his last-two-years-missing memory against Susan. Which isn't really a difficult task, seeing as Susan is sleeping with the Ever After prince when Mike wakes from his coma. When Susan finally visits Mike, he tells her that he doesn't want to see her again. Lynette takes an interest in her child, Parker. He doesn't want to play Little League and had permission from Gay Matt to quit. She, however, decides that humiliation and personal injury be damned, he's gonna keep on playing. She bribes the pitcher from the opposing team to lob some softies to poor Parker. He manages to hit one, but knocks the kid out cold, which somehow forces the pitcher to explain why he has a fifty spot in his back pocket. So, Parker's off the team. Oh wait, Lynette then bribes the COACH to let Parker back on the team. At his next game, Parker actually hits the ball, and it looks like he's going to make a run, until he trips and hurts his ankle. So, he's off the team again. And, it's safe to say that Lynette still didn't learn anything from the experience. Bree learns that Andrew was a hooker while on the streets. In fact, he was patronized by some society gal's husband. Bree decides that she should tell his wife that they have more in common than china patterns, and the lady decides that Bree should know Danielle is sleeping with her History teacher. Orson, while able to intuit from very little information that a young man was selling his flesh while living on the streets (though who wants to wager that Andrew has been hooking since 2002?), doesn't know how to knock off a guy in a coma. He is pretty shocked when he heard that Mike was awake. Gabby and Carlos continue to feud. Since he won't pay spousal support, she sells his stuff. Then, he decides that, if he has to support her, he is going to live in the house. She changes the locks. He breaks in. She gets arrested. Yeah, that part was odd. Then, on the way back from the clink, Carlos tells Gabby that he thought they'd get back together and that all of their bickering was just fun Sonny and Cher stuff. She sets him straight on that theory and he throws her out of the car. Her retribution? She decides to give up her claim to several of their marital assets. But, she adds that they hold to sentimental value for her. Yeah, that's really gonna hurt Carlos. Good thinking there.
So okay, Mike's awake. Edie goes racing around the hospital, shouting out the news. The news spreads like a virus throughout Fairview. Mike's doctor calls his Aunt Ida (which seems weird, why would he call his aunt before calling Susan, who very clearly left word with the hospital to call her if there was any news? He and Aunt Ida must be very, very close). Ida runs up the street and tells Lynette. Lynette tells Tom (who according to MAVO, is "busy playing a computer game"). Tom sends an email to Carlos (who was "busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer"), and the email buzzes his cell phone. Carlos calls Gabby, who's busy meeting with her divorce lawyer. Gabby calls Bree. Bree goes into the living room to tell Danielle. Danielle calls Julie. And Julie calls Susan. And Susan? Her phone is out of range, so she doesn't get the news. But she's taking a huge bubble bath with Ian, and also moaning, so what does she care?
And ROLL THOSE CREDITS!
Casa Cover Up. Danielle is putting the finishing touches on a diorama of Fairview for a "History Fair" at school. Her diorama tells the story of "Edward Sibley," the town's "founding father." With a montage of olde timey photos, MAVO explains that Edward was not exactly perfect; in fact, he was a "bootlegger, a womanizer, and a horse thief." The one-woman glee squad that is MAVO uses the fact that Edward managed to rewrite history to segue into Bree's latest plight: how to spin the whole Homeless Andrew story?
Danielle sits down at the breakfast table with Orson, Andrew, and Bree. Bree wonders out loud what story they should cook up to explain Andrew's six-plus month absence. I really find it hard to believe that Bree had no reason to explain Andrew's unexcused absence until now. Not even when people asked where her son was at her wedding? Or when the school called and wondered why Andrew never showed up for classes? Or wait, maybe Andrew graduated last year (I'm never exactly sure how old the Wisteria kids are, what with the gooeyness of this show's timelines). If so, then how about this zany excuse: "Andrew went to college." It's a little crazy, but I think people might just believe it. But no. Danielle suggests they tell everyone Andrew was absorbed by a cult, and they had to rescue and deprogram him, which Bree vetoes as potentially more embarrassing than the truth ("Why not throw in a killing spree, too?"). Orson has an idea: "Drama camp. It reflects Andrew's interest in the performing arts, while giving us a private joke to savor about the drama of his estrangement." Which is actually kind of funny. Orson's going to go far in this family, if only because he's so willing to join in on the favorite Van de Kamp pastime: finding an alibi. (Remember how Bree made Rex pretend they were taking tennis lessons when really they were going to couple's therapy? Aww, remember Rex?) Andrew has a revolutionary idea: how about they tell the truth? Bree stares at him blankly, then she turns to Orson and says, "We're going to need a name for this drama camp." By the way Orson -- whom I'm assuming has heard the news about Mike since Bree or Danielle surely told him -- really seems to be taking the news well. Or maybe he's just doing a great job of covering up his panic? Yeah he's going to fit riiight in.