Welcome to Season 3, everybody. As you recall, when last we saw our housewives, Gabby gave Carlos the boot after discovering that he was cheating on her with the maid/surrogate; Tom's lovechild has moved to town with her fantastically annoying mother; Orson ran over Mike and brought Bree flowers. And away we go! After an Orson flashback (in which all signs point to his murdering his wife), we get a brief, rain-sodden montage of the day after the Season 2 finale (Gabby meets with a divorce lawyer, Bree and Orson french, etc.). Okay, then we leap six months forward. Xiao Mei the Money is now showing in a big, about-to-have-a-baby way, and Gabby is reluctantly taking care of her. The two bicker, Gabby threatens to have Money sent back to China just as soon as the baby is born, and Xiao Mei runs away. Edie spends the entirety of the episode struggling to sell the Young house in the face of rumors that it's the (alleged) scene of a murder and finger-mutilation (CreePaul is reportedly in jail). She also discovers Xiao Mei gobbling sandwiches in an empty closet (what?) and returns her to Gabby. Tom is bonding with his lovechild, Kayla, but the girl's horrible mother keeps coming over to the house, too, which makes Lynette crabby. Susan is spending all her time down at the hospital, hanging out with Mike, who is in a coma. Also pining away in the coma ward is Ian, whose wife has been unconscious for the past three years. Ian and Susan strike up a friendship over a coffee montage, which culminates in Ian asking Susan for a date. After a heartfelt scene between Susan and catatonic Mike (in which she confesses that she's lonely and then yells at Mike to "wake up!"), Susan agrees to go to dinner with Ian. Orson proposes to Bree and she accepts. At lunch with the ladies, Bree confesses that she and Orson are waiting until they're married to have sex; Gabby is shocked. But then later Orson starts talking cleaning products and Bree gets all fired up and they go upstairs for some oral pleasuring. Bree experiences some kind of mysterious episode and races off to the doctor. Diagnosis: orgasm. Later, at the engagement party, Roseanne's sister drops by to accuse Orson of bumping off his first wife. It really isn't a Fairview engagement party unless somebody accuses someone of murder, is it?
Hello and welcome back to the show! For those of you who just tuned in, here's where things stand now: Orson the creepy dentist ran over Mike with his gutless red rental car just as the plumber was heading over to Susan's trailer to pop the question. Tom's eleven-year-old lovechild and her fantastically annoying mother, Nora, have moved to town, and Lynette is not at all pleased. And the Gablos has hit the rocks, what with Gaby catching Carlos sexing up their maid and uterus-for-rent, Xiao Mei. Remember?
So is it time for Gablos to start splitting up the CDs, or will this fiery portmanteau find a way to weather this storm? Will Mike live to tell the tale of his high-speed collision with an unassuming rental car? Is Lynette destined to rip Nora's face off with her teeth? Will we ever learn what makes crazy Orson so crazy? And will Marc Cherry find some way to dig himself out the hole that was Season 2? Well pour yourself a frosty glass of rosé and dust off your special Desperate Housewives-watching short-shorts, because the premiere, she is upon us!
After we return from the previouslies, the MAVO flashes us back to "last year," when Orson was still married to a wan, forlorn woman named Alma (played by Valerie Mahaffey, who, at age fifty-three, is looking great). Their house is over on "Lakeview" (ah, but which lake? The one where Betty tried to euthanize her son with drugged ice cream, or the one where CreePaul dumped Deidre's body? The possibilities, when it comes to deathly lakes in Fairview, are endless). MAVO tells us that this particular day "began normally enough." Alma is unpacking the groceries. We see her place a can of organic tomatoes into the one open slot in a ferociously organized cupboard packed with canned vegetables that are all the same size and brand. Next, we see her delicately sliding a man's coat into the one open slot in the most insanely ordered closet ever. Then she carefully places a perfectly folded towel onto a perfect stack in the linen cupboard, and pats it gently. This deadly tidiness, we learn, is all per Orson's "instructions."
Just before noon, Alma sits down to sew a button onto Orson's shirt. Her pet parrot, Baby, is out of its cage and standing next to her on the table. She coos at the bird, then she looks up at her reflection in a mirror, and the way the parrot's cage is positioned, it looks as though she is behind bars. MAVO: "Something inside Alma broke, and she decided that it was time to fly away." Alma is like a caged bird.