Desperate Housewives
Live Alone and Like It

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Live Alone and Like It

Commercials: Kermit the Frog is at a fork in a yellow brick road, confronted with a sign pointing one way to Oz and a sign pointing the other way to Wisteria Lane. After a moment's pause, he turns to go down the road to the Desperate Housewives, and from off-screen comes the voice of Miss Piggy: "Don't even think about it, Frog." Kermit gulps and turns his beat right around. This May, hit the bricks with the Muppets' Wizard of Oz!

John the Gardner is Pepe LePeuing up Gabby's arm. Gabby looks bored and distracted. "I feel trapped," she says. "You want me to open a window?" he asks. Ha, such an awesomely literal 18-year-old's answer. "No I'm talking about my life." "Oh…are we done making out?" Ha! "No no, keep going." As he kisses her neck and neck adjacent, Gabby keeps talking about how she's stuck in her marriage, how she doesn't have options, how she used to always have a Plan B. John stops with the kissing to ask, what about him, can't he be a Plan B? "Damn it, John," Gabby scolds, "what is our new rule?" "Stop pretending we have a future," he sing-songs. Whee! John wants to know why she can't just walk out on Carlos. Because then she'd be broke. But if she stays, Carlos is in control and that's horrible, too. Plus he cut up her credit cards, which means she's married to him AND unable to shop, the worst of all possible worlds. Poor Gabby, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Gabby tells John she's not feeling very fun today (where fun = sex-ish) and gets up to leave. Gardener John hops to his feet and whips out from his back pocket…what is that, his health insurance card? Oh, okay, I guess it's his credit card, and he wants Gabby to take it so she can stop feeling trapped or whatever. Gabby makes a few weak attempts at saying no, but John insists that his mowing business is doing great, and with that she gives in, letting him know in her very softest voice that she'll pay him back. John says she can if she wants (sure, sure), but she doesn't have to. "Mrs. Solis, to take care of you, is my dream." He still calls her Mrs. Solis! "Well, far be it for me to stand in the way of a young man's dream," Gabby says, and pushes him back onto the couch. Looks like Gabby's feeling "fun" after all, and all it took was a lawn mower's credit card. Priceless!

Lynette is scrambling to get out of the house. She grabs her purse, gets of the phone with her husband, puts on her shades, opens the door and -- wah, wah! Guess who's on the porch, poised with a basket of avocados from her backyard? (Where in the hell is Wisteria Lane? I thought it was somewhere…else, somewhere too cold for avocados.) Yes, it's Mrs. McLandingham, all fired up to make a batch of guacamole with Lynette. Lynette tries to explain that unfortunately she has a ton of errands to do, et cetera et cetera. Mrs. McLandingham thinks that's a great idea, her car's on the fritz and she could use a ride to the pharmacy. Lynette says she can't, re: the many things she has to do that don't involve going to the pharmacy with her clingy and sad neighbor. Maybe tomorrow, a desperate Mrs. McLandingham wheedles? Lynette, finally realizing that there's some bud-nipping to do, says firmly that she's not going to have time tomorrow, either. Mrs. McLandingham voice turns acidic and she points out how interesting it is that Lynette is unable to spend a few minutes with her, yet she seemed to have no trouble taking her Tiffany lamp. Lynette drops an "oh for god sakes," retrieves the lamp, and gives it back to Mrs. McLandingham. "But that was my thank you for saving my life!" she says in a hurt voice. Lynette agrees that it was a beautiful gesture, but, and, well… "Save it, Lynette," Mrs. McLandingham says with defeat. "I get the picture." As she turns to walk away, Lynette stands there, blinking.

At the House of Wayward Moms, Susan comes down the stairs in her man-tee sleeper and squeals with surprise as she spots her mother in the living room with a man named "Tim." Tim is sorry to have startled Susan, Susan says it's okay, she just didn't expect to find anyone up at a QUARTER TO ONE. Susan's mom is a little sauced, thanks to a zany drink called the "dirty volcano." Which sounds more like a new and horrible sex act to me. Mom thinks Susie totally should have come out to the Island Bar tonight! They danced! (Woo!) Tim dipped her! (Ahh-giggle!) "Sophie's very…limber," Tim says. Ew? Susan asks if she can talk to her mother in the other room, thereby launching the Tim into the old "this can't be your daughter" routine, which ends in a high-energy no-yes-no exchange between Tim and Sophie that sounds almost like barking. "We get it!" Susan yells finally. "She looks young!" She tugs Sophie away. "That man," Sophie says to her daughter, "has magic fingers." Ew! Susan wants to know what the hee-haw it is Sophie thinks she's DOING, Susan has a teenaged daughter in the house and her mother can't just be bringing strange men home from bars. It's time for Sophie to say goodnight to Tim. But, but…how can Susan be so unsupportive, she knows how blue Sophie's been! Tim is her guest and he will go home when she says so! Wow, Sophia is spectacularly inconsiderate and also maybe insane. "If he's not gone in five minutes," Susan ultimatums, "I'm going to go out there and tell him just how old you really are." And with that, Sophie scampers off to the other room and starts making fake yawning sounds to show how suddenly tired, but still very young, she is.

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