A bored-looking Susan sits far, far away from her date, Lamont, who's busy doing towering Peppermint Schnapps shots. Isn't that the whole reason teenagers spend at least one night drinking Schnapps until they're hug a toilet, so it's burned out of their system and they don't ever have to drink it as an adult? Mom and Tim are dancing, and Tim's hands keep creeping ever-downward toward Sophie's youthful ass. "I'm really ticklish," Sophie squeals. Lamont tries to make small talk with Susan. "So, uh, children's books, right? I hope you realize how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realize their bliss." Susan admits how it, ah, can be rewarding. Lamont pats the three square inches next to him on the couch and asks her to join him. Susan simply says, "No." Again Sophie squeals with the "I'm really ticklish!" and Susan jumps up and yells, "For god's sake, Tim, she's ticklish, how many times do you have to be told?" Sophie goes over to change the music, and Susan tries again to end the night, this time pointing out how late it's getting. But Susan hasn't even finished her shot! So, slowly-slowly Susan knocks it back, her face appropriately twisted in distaste. "Ahh, the perfect capper to the perfect evening!" she says by way of a toast. "So, good night! It's been a lovely evening! Lamont, good luck with your inventions." Inventions! Ha, that one word speaks volumes about Susan's last how many hours. Sophie's all, but it's only 11:30, she wants to hit the CLUBS. Oh, man, what a bummer your mom is, Susan. I light a candle for you.
Lamont and Tim are all for CLUBBING. But Susan doesn't want her mom going off with those strange men. Sophie points out what a good judge of character she is. Susan points out that she's been married four times. "Yes," Sophie gushes, "but twice to the same guy!" They go outside, where Tim and Lamont are waiting by the car. Susan tries once more to get her mother to stay home. Sophie asks Susan to stop embarrassing her, and tells her how all night long, she's been trying to get Susan to stop being so "crabby," but Susan just won't let her help! "And your idea of helping," Susan wonders, "is letting Tim just grope you." "Heyyy," Tim says, all Schnappsy, "you shouldn't talk to your mother like that, she's a fine lady!" Lamont says that, actually, watching Tim "feeling up her mother" had pissed him off too, a sympathetic point of view he tries to convert into some couch-time with Susan. "C'mon, Susie, let's go back inside." "Lamont, give it up," she says, "you're not getting any." But, Sophie yells to Susan, she was just trying to lighten things up! Susan asks her to stop pretending that this night was about getting Susan to have fun and admit that it was just about Lamont needing a date. True! But what's so wrong with that, Sophie wonders, she's been blue over her breakup with Morty (and, as you can imagine, parting with a Pancake Man is sad stuff). And that, THAT is what drives Susan so crazy, that Sophie can be heartbroken and just move on, meanwhile Susan is just…broken. "I know you're sad," Sophie says. "No, Mom. I'm not sad. I'm not crabby. I'm devastated." This scene kind of made my eyes weak! "Morty was just some guy in a series of guys to you, and Mike, he was the one." I know I've teased Susan for making so much out of such a brief relationship, but I really do feel for her in this scene. If she thinks he was the One, okay. It's just sad, then, that Susan's One came with so much secret baggage (hidden guns, hidden treasure, hidden criminal record) and that all the bad stuff bobbed to the surface before they got a chance to have any fun -- Susan had, what, maybe one solid date with him before it all started going pear-shaped? Meanwhile, what are Tim and Lamont doing during this touching scene between mother and daughter on the porch?