Across the street, Lynette is yelling at the boys to get their "little fannies inside." Do they not go to school? Should they not be there right now? Oh, right: the children's school schedule must serve the purposes of the plot. "Oh, poor Lynette. If she doesn't get a new nanny soon, she's gonna implode," Susan says. Thank you, writers, for remembering that she's got a nanny en route. Sometimes, I think you DO love me. Mike shushes Susan, and they creep around to the side of his house, where Platform, Parlor, and Permission are hiding in the bushes. Mike asks who they're hiding from. "Our mom," says Pittsburgh. "She wants to spank us." Mike asks if they've been bad, and they all nod in unison. It's pretty cute. In fact, when they're not around Lynette, I find the little Scavos somewhat adorable. Mike tells them that that if they hide too long, Lynette will start to get worried, and that will only make her angrier. It would probably be in their best interests to go on home and "take [their] lumps." If they do, Mike theorizes, there's a decent chance they'll get the rest of the day to play. The boys confer and eventually agree. Mike gives them all a piggyback ride across the street. It's quite cute, really. And Susan agrees, calling his handling of the Trio of Terror "pretty impressive." Mike grins that he loves kids: "I can't wait to have my own someday." Susan responds by falling on her face. No, literally.
Inside Casa Family Counseling, Lynette lays out her instruments of torture: a hickory stick, a ping pong paddle, a spatula. The boys all wail that they don't want to get a spanking. Lynette shrugs: "Too late. You STOLE. And then you LIED. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of [Mrs. Landingham], who you know is Mommy's sworn enemy." Yes, making your mom look bad in front of the neighbors is WAY WORSE than STEALING and LYING. Wait until one of them gets some girl pregnant and then knocks over a liquor store to pay for the abortion rather than tell you about it, Lynette, because it might EMBARRASS YOU. Lynette sucks. She tells the boys to "pick [their] poison," gesturing to the aforementioned instruments of torture: "How about a belt? It's a classic." She runs through the rest of the choices, as the boys continue to wail that they don't want to be spanked. Lynette reminds them that "thieves get spanked, that's just the way it works." Unless! Unless they swear never to steal again and write Mrs. Landingham a nice letter of apology. Parsley, Poultry, and Padlock enthusiastically agree and set to writing. One of them looks up at a terribly smug-looking Lynette and asks her why she's smiling. "Do you know what psychological warfare means?" she asks. Of course, he doesn't. "Well, too bad for you," Lynette sings. ["It's also a good thing for her that he doesn't know what 'mental abuse' means." -- Wing Chun] I wish Lynette would just drop dead.