This week, we get the teeniest, tiniest glimpse into what happened on Wisteria Lane in the five years that passed while we were on hiatus. And it's actually really fun. Here's what happened: When Orson went away and Danielle took Benjamin, Bree started hitting the (white wine) bottle, and Katherine saved her from herself -- which is why she's unwilling to just hire Orson with no regard for Katherine's feelings. Gaby got pregnant! Twice! Did you know that? Oh, right, we did know that. But we find out they were unexpected, unwanted pregnancies and that Carlos was supposed to have had a vasectomy (he didn't; he wants a boy someday). Susan initiated divorce proceedings with Mike, but she made a last-ditch effort to keep him from signing divorce papers; when he didn't, she hooked up with her hot painter, Jackson, the next day, insisting things stay casual. Oh, and Tom tried to do some electrical work at the pizzeria, proving once again he's incapable of handling things himself by actually causing his heart to stop. This led to a desire to have more in life, which led to the car and the garage band and, now, a desire to sell the pizza place and travel for a year in an RV.
All of these flashbacks take place as the gang is preparing to throw a surprise 70th birthday party for Mrs. McCluskey, planned and organized by Edie and Creepy Dave, but at Susan's house. Creepy Dave wanted to have the party so that he could get sneak into Mrs. McC's house, move stuff around, and make her look crazy for calling him out on it -- his "Why would I do something like that" in front of everyone followed by the world's creepiest smile at Mrs. McC when no one else was looking convinced me that Neal McDonough has an Emmy nomination in his future. Or that he's bi-polar. I'm not sure which.
In the end, half of the housewives work things out: Gaby agrees to use condoms for now and maybe have a baby later; and Orson tells Katherine he won't be partner until she is okay with it, since she did so much for him and Bree. The other two have less success: Tom doesn't want to keep working at the pizza place and doesn't come to bed when Lynette asks, after she dashes yet another of his dreams; and Jackson ends up leaving Susan when she won't say their relationship has a future. Creepy Dave is successful, though: Everyone is convinced Mrs. McC has lost it, and she ends up taken away in an ambulance. He actually ends up telling her he's sorry it had to be her, but she couldn't be snooping into things because she's right: He is up to something. Although when she says he's up to something awful, Creepy Dave gets teary-eyed and says she doesn't know what awful is. And then Mary Alice tells us there is one man Creepy Dave has it out for (duh! We already know this! It's Mike.) And I am now fully convinced that the mother and child who were killed in Susan and Mike's accident were Creepy Dave's wife and baby. It's way too obvious, but I just don't see how anything else could make sense.
Check back on Tuesday for our full weecap and discuss this episode with other fans in our forums.
Previously: Bree was an alcoholic (man, we are going way back, aren't we?). Orson wanted to work with Bree. Creepy Dave was a rageaholic, and Mrs. McCluskey was onto him. He planted the seeds of Mrs. McC becoming a senile old bat.
We open on balloons and a "Happy Birthday" banner, as Mary Alice tells us how wonderful this party could have gone if it weren't for... well, everything. In fact, I could sum this whole thing up much more quickly than she does in this hour by saying: It could have been a fun party if it were anywhere but Wisteria Lane. Unfortunately, everyone here is crazy. The end. Oh, I'm kidding, of course. I'll keep going. Mary Alice tells us that instead of being this fun party, the night was full of surprises. The camera pans to Lynette and Tom fighting about why she won't just give him a little support. She does the best thing ever, and if I didn't love my husband so much, I would totally want to use this someday: She tells him she'll get him a towel, and when he's puzzled about this, she throws her drink in his face. So supportive. Across the party, Jackson wants to confirm that it wouldn't bother Susan if he was with another woman. She says it would definitely not, so he walks over to Katherine and kisses her. It's not passionate or anything, and actually sort of icky, so I don't know why this would bother Susan, but the look on her face tells us it does. (I am guessing it doesn't bother Katherine, though.) Gaby and Carlos are there, too, and also in a fight: He's sorry he lied, and feels terrible for doing it; she calls him a selfish son-of-a-bitch and pushes him over. I'm not sure it's ever okay to push over a blind person, but it made me laugh. Who knew Gaby and Carlos were the new Abbott and Costello? Then there's Orson and Bree: He's putting her in an impossible situation, which he simplifies by asking for a divorce. And then Mrs. McC shows up at the party with a bat -- greeted by "Surprise!" so we know the party's for her -- and swings for Creepy Dave, but instead smashes the cake. Yikes! Some party.
We flash back to just before the party. Gaby's at home, checking her period calendar in front of a mirror (um, does anyone really keep a period calendar? I mean, not that I want to know or anything if you do, but I really hope you don't; unless you're trying to have a baby) and realizes she's late. She explains this all to Plot Device/viewer stand-in Juanita, who wants a baby brother, so she'd love if Mommy's "friend" would please not visit. Gaby looks in the mirror and flashes back even further, to when she was hot Gaby in a sexy red dress and bright red lipstick. They've done a good job changing the way Eva Longoria Parker looks this season, because the difference in this flashback was so stark I sort of felt like I couldn't focus my eyes or that they had someone else playing flashback Gaby. Anyway, she finds out she's pregnant and smacks the doctor. She thought she couldn't have a baby, and "this is a disaster," because of Carlos's blindness mostly. Oh, and the unemployment. When Gaby tells Carlos the news, he's thrilled, and since this means he'll need a job, he decides to become a masseur. She says it's more than that, though; she thought God didn't want her to be a mom. Carlos tells her it's a miracle, and they should celebrate.