So get this shit: Susan's entire storyline in this episode is about how she's sooo lucky that people are constantly dropping dead all around her, while she does things like benefit from their suicides and fall into their potted plants. Her dialysis buddy Dick finally kicks the bucket, and somehow bequeaths her his gambling problem, so then Susan spends the entire episode gambling, winning and crying. Just when you think maybe she's going to develop a gambling problem or something cool like that, she finds a way to cry her ass off and talk about herself to a mind-numbing degree, something to the effect of, "Why is God such an asshole that I keep coming up roses when I deserve to be murdered one hundred different ways in slow motion?" And the show is like, "God is a mysterious fucker that way."
Bree's had Andrew in AA for the last month, and now he's decided to tell Carlos that he killed his mom back in Season One. Even though that is totally not what happened, everybody acts like it's the end of the world and eventually Carlos and Andrew just coincidentally take a hunting trip together, so Gabi and Bree head on up there so that Carlos doesn't murder Andrew in the woods, and eventually Bree's the one that tells Carlos about the running over of his mom, and Carlos gets "intense" and it's sort of unbearably dumb, and then eventually Carlos forgives Andrew... But not Bree, who was a grownup who covered up her kid's hit-and-run. End result: Bree and Gabi are forbidden from being friends anymore, as if they have had a single scene together all season.
Renee teaches Lynette to be a rich bitch, but Tom cares more about his hot new job than he does about Lynette's money-jacked libido, and basically is more in love with his awesome job than with her, which hurts twice as much because of how we're ignoring pretty much any memory that Lynette was ever anything other than an unhappy SAHM. Renee explains to her that when you manipulate your man into a high-earning, high-stakes job so that you can have a bunch of money, your man still has to actually work for his living, and how that's the sad thing about being a whore.
Felicia takes Beth's house away from Paul because he bought it in her name during the big mwah-ha-ha plan that never made sense. Then she invites him to go toss Beth's ashes in some lake, because that is what happens on this show when somebody dies. Guaranteed those ashes are going in a lake. On the trip they sort of start to dig each other and it's kind of heartwarming, and then there's a pretty awesome scene where Felicia demonstrates compassion and the upper moral hand and puts their big feud to an end and holds a gun to his head and tosses it in the lake, it's great.
And then just when you're like, "Did this show just have something classy or large-hearted or remotely kind happen?" They're like, no, Felicia is now talking to the real Beth's ashes about how death is too good for Paul Young, we have fooled you again, this show is just assholes doing mean asshole things for the enjoyment of assholes, like every week.
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Because the 12 Steps worked so well for Bree, turning into a normal person with a normal-looking, youthful face, she's helped Andrew come into the fold over the last month, despite his initial misgivings. Of course, he's having trouble -- as anybody on this show full of assholes would -- with Step Eight, despite the cheap-looking 30-Day chip in his hand:
Bree: "I know, right? Who wants to list all the people they've fucked over?" Bree's Horrible Parenting: "Especially with your shitty gay penmanship?" Andrew: "No, I am capable of making lists, it's the part where I admit to doing dirt." Bree, settling into Throne Position: "You may begin." Andrew: "Oh -- um, awkward -- basically the fact that you tortured me for my sexuality and left me on the side of a road as a child, forcing me into prostitution, puts you pretty low on the list." Bree, for real: "But once you stole my pocketbook! You owe me your life plus damages plus one thousand cascading apologies!" Andrew: "I also owe you my chlamydia and about five punches in the nose for the Sam Page thing alone. Let's call it a wash, shall we? My sobriety is never, ever going to be about you. The more you make it about you, the more it actually is about you. Which makes you a sabotreuse."
Bree: "I'd like to know whom else you did wrong, then. It'll be hard to beat 'going through Mommy's pocketbook' and 'being gay just to hurt me.'" Andrew: "I ran over Carlos Solis's mother while drunk-driving." Reality: "Yeah, but you didn't kill her. Gabi did. Like three times." The Show Desperate Housewives: "Zip it! Satchels of gold!" Bree: "...Okay, but still. How does that stack up to the horrible things you've done to me?"
(Andrew beats it over to the Solis house to fuck everything up, mommy trailing at his heels like usual.)
Andrew: "Carlos, I have something to tell you." Bree: "Thanks for all those one-on-one camping trips, just the two of you, just my young gay son and your big hairy bearlike body, alone in the woods. That's what he wanted to tell you." Carlos: "It was my pleasure, little fella." Bree: "Because of how his real father died getting his nuts stepped on by a whore and then turned out to have a much better son stashed elsewhere, and then my next boyfriend let my kid fuck him, and then the next one was that godawful Orson, you're pretty much the only father figure he's ever had."
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