Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Mourning Wood
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Because the 12 Steps worked so well for Bree, turning into a normal person with a normal-looking, youthful face, she's helped Andrew come into the fold over the last month, despite his initial misgivings. Of course, he's having trouble -- as anybody on this show full of assholes would -- with Step Eight, despite the cheap-looking 30-Day chip in his hand:

Bree: "I know, right? Who wants to list all the people they've fucked over?"
Bree's Horrible Parenting: "Especially with your shitty gay penmanship?"
Andrew: "No, I am capable of making lists, it's the part where I admit to doing dirt."
Bree, settling into Throne Position: "You may begin."
Andrew: "Oh -- um, awkward -- basically the fact that you tortured me for my sexuality and left me on the side of a road as a child, forcing me into prostitution, puts you pretty low on the list."
Bree, for real: "But once you stole my pocketbook! You owe me your life plus damages plus one thousand cascading apologies!"
Andrew: "I also owe you my chlamydia and about five punches in the nose for the Sam Page thing alone. Let's call it a wash, shall we? My sobriety is never, ever going to be about you. The more you make it about you, the more it actually is about you. Which makes you a sabotreuse."

Bree: "I'd like to know whom else you did wrong, then. It'll be hard to beat 'going through Mommy's pocketbook' and 'being gay just to hurt me.'"
Andrew: "I ran over Carlos Solis's mother while drunk-driving."
Reality: "Yeah, but you didn't kill her. Gabi did. Like three times."
The Show Desperate Housewives: "Zip it! Satchels of gold!"
Bree: "...Okay, but still. How does that stack up to the horrible things you've done to me?"

(Andrew beats it over to the Solis house to fuck everything up, mommy trailing at his heels like usual.)

Andrew: "Carlos, I have something to tell you."
Bree: "Thanks for all those one-on-one camping trips, just the two of you, just my young gay son and your big hairy bearlike body, alone in the woods. That's what he wanted to tell you."
Carlos: "It was my pleasure, little fella."
Bree: "Because of how his real father died getting his nuts stepped on by a whore and then turned out to have a much better son stashed elsewhere, and then my next boyfriend let my kid fuck him, and then the next one was that godawful Orson, you're pretty much the only father figure he's ever had."

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Desperate Housewives

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