Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Mourning Wood

Lynette: (Some gross thing about getting some of Tom's abnormal penis up in her guts.)
Renee: "Barf."
Tom: "I will never fuck you again, I've got meetings."
Lynette: "But I'm a stay-at-home mother with no skills or friends or interests! My husband and his abnormally large penis are my only reason for living, now that my firstborn sons have departed our hearth!"
Renee: "Such is the way. You manipulated him into providing for his family, and now you have to pay the price."
Lynette: "It almost sounds like you're saying this is my fault."
Renee: "No, what I'm saying is that we're both whores. All women are whores."

Carlos: "Bree, that was awesome how you sat at my mother's funeral and forgot to tell me your son ran her over."

(He didn't kill her. Gabi chased her out of the house and into Andrew's path because she was going to tell Carlos about how she was cheating with her hot gay gardener, and then engineered her falling off the roof of the hospital to be devoured by roving packs of hospital dogs and ecoterrorists.)

Gabi: "Juanita was a bitch anyway."
Carlos: "Let's drink to my mother, Mr. Thirty Days Sober."
Bree: "That's really unsporting."
Carlos: "We're not friends, so shut up, and I was already planning on getting him drunk anyway."
Gabi: "Okay, eyes on me, because a little of this 'flipper' thing goes a long way: I totally was involved in this cover up. Now will you look at me like a husband looks at a wife?"

(Instead, Carlos runs out into the forest. Rain glistens on his hairy, beefy bearlike body. Andrew thinks more about that, and then more about drinking, while Gabi presumably stares into space and drools like all pretty women do when not being looked at by men. Bree tidies the place up.)

(Lynette pays off the pilot of Tom's private jet -- which I'm so sure -- so that she can try and grind some corn on the way to his meeting; Tom admits that this job fulfills him even more than sex with Lynette. Even more than motherhood. Eventually Lynette climbs off his face and feels sorry for herself and realizes she manipulated more than she could chew and just possibly is a whore, like all women are.)

(Susan runs into McCluskey's husband at the casino and they enjoy some casual misogyny while giving away their fixed incomes to the casino, like idiots.)

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Desperate Housewives




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