Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Mourning Wood

Gabi: "Lee, where are my daughters? And if you say they died, I want you to know that's okay and I won't hold it against you."
The Less Awesome Gay One: "[Gay nonsense gay nonsense gay nonsense.]"
Gabi: "[Ditto.]"

(Upshot: Carlos made it home from the woods but then has left town again for some reason. Gabi gives her daughters back to Lee, who didn't ask for any of this.)

(Felicia has a full-on convo with the ashes of her dead daughter, not the pretend ashes this whole episode was about. It's all very soapy and Shakespearian. Essentially, Paul getting shot in the forest is not good enough, so this storyline is going to go on forever and ever. Hopefully Felicia will continue to talk to the ashes of her dead daughter about it, at length, and people will finally realize how this show has gone full retard.)

Bree: "Carlos, I'm glad you didn't die after running off into the forest!"
Carlos: "No prob."
Bree: "And thanks for not killing my kid."
Carlos: "Are you kidding? Andrew's great."
Andrew: "That's nice to hear you say. I think you're pretty great too, if you know what I mean. So anyway, I just wanted to make amends..."
Bree: "-- Don't hit my kid! It was all my fault!"
Andrew: "Mother."
Bree: "Sorry, I'm horrible. Go on."

Andrew: "Sorry for running over your mom that time, even though it was mostly Gabrielle's fault, and it was Gabrielle that eventually killed her."
Carlos: "No big deal, little guy. Come here and let me hold you tight."
Andrew: "I like how you smell."
Carlos: "Tighter. Yeah."

Bree: "Soooo. Thanks for not killing my kid. I'm glad it's all bygones."
Carlos: "Um, no. You covered up important facts in the injury and death of my mother, for no real reason. Ya still burnt."
Bree: "But Carlos!"
Carlos: "Unless you can convincingly act the part of a strapping young man being introduced to the outdoors for the first time, you can get the hell of my porch."

Gabi: "But Carlos!"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, you're not allowed to be friends with Bree anymore."
Gabi: "You can't tell me what to do!"
Carlos: "Have you ever seen this show before?"
This Show: "He's right. Even if this plot continues into next week, which is a crap shoot, the best you can hope for from this show is that if you defy your husband's will, you will only be threatened with gang-rape, not actually gang-raped. But since he's gone ahead and made this an official decree, since he's actually forbade you, on the very outside you're looking at at least aggravated robbery, if not yet another miscarriage."

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Desperate Housewives

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