Cut to Gay Matt and Lynette in the car, driving out of the mall toward the parking payment booth. Matt tells Lynette that Claire is a great nanny, and that it would be stupid to lose her over something like this. Lynette reminds him that they've had crushes before and they've always laughed about it. What worries her this time is that Gay Matt is denying that he's attracted to Claire. Matt stutters that he's not denying it. "Oh, so you are attracted to her?" Lynette snaps. "I didn't say that," he reports. And so Lynette stops the car about fifteen feet away from the parking booth, holding up EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE MALL BECAUSE SHE IS A BIG BABY. Selfish, selfish Lynette. PEOPLE WANT TO GET HOME, BITCH. PAY YOUR TICKET AND FIGHT LATER. There is so much honking. But Lynette announces, "We are not going anywhere until you admit you have the hots for our nanny." She then goes into this whole Men Are Visual Creatures spiel, but I hear none of it, because her ridiculous behavior here is so fucking rude to the rest of the planet. I got stuck in a line to pay for parking once at the Beverly Center for, like, an hour and a half and I literally almost lost my mind. Thinking about that makes me want to PUNCH LYNETTE RIGHT IN HER SELFISH BITCHFACE. A woman actually gets out of the car and knocks on their window "We'd all like to get out of here. Is there a problem?" she asks. Lynette smiles: "My husband won't admit he has lust in his heart. Can you give us a minute?" she asks. And I think we're supposed to think, "Oh, that Lynette! Such a charming straight shooter! She really SPEAKS what's in MY HEART," but I'm mostly just thinking, "GOD, LYNETTE, I HATE YOU." Anyway, the woman just gives her the hand and goes back to her own car. I would have said, "Can you talk about this after you let me OUT OF THE FUCKING PARKING LOT?" and then I really would have lost my shit. Anyway, inside the car, Gay Matt agrees that Claire is indeed an attractive little piece of ass, but he's not attracted TO HER. If he thought her living with them was a problem, he'd be the first to fire the kid, he assures Lynette. "It's you. You're the one," he says. "You always have been and you always will be." No one can resist this, not even BitchBot Lynette, and they kiss. Everyone behind them honks. Inside their cars, each and every driver drops the F bomb in one form or another. "All right, hold your water!" Lynette chuckles, like this has all been so very cute, rather than SUPER-ANNOYING AND EVIL, and drives up to pay for her parking.
Episode Report CardJessica: B | 601 USERS: C+
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