Desperate Housewives
Move On

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Move On

Casa One Of These Plots Is Not Like The Other. Lynette is making a to-do list on the back of Mrs. Kravitz's "Missing" flyer. Said flyer, by the way, lists Mrs. Kravitz as being five foot three and one hundred and twenty pounds. Which...no offense, Mrs. Kravitz, but I am so sure. Lynette, by the way, is the very picture of unwashed ass here, all wonky greasy uneven ponytail and washed-out complexion. And it's not like I'm rocking my marabou-trimmed slippers 365 days a year, but Lynette looks like she just crawled out of a sinkhole. She's yapping to Gay Matt about getting a new water heater at the mall the next day, and he moans that he's wiped out and asks if they can talk about it tomorrow. I notice that Lynette has replaced her choker with the only more irritating piece of jewelry in existence: the pinky ring. What next? I literally am unable to think of anything more obnoxious than the pinky ring. Maybe a black velvet choker with a little pewter daisy hanging from it, circa Brenda Walsh. Lynette and Matt settle in to sleep. Lynette mumbles something about Matt setting up the coffee maker. Whiny, whiny -- and why does it matter, on the weekend, if they have to wait five extra minutes for the coffee to brew? I assume the next day is a weekend day, at any rate, because who shops for a water heater on a weekday if it's not an emergency, which this doesn't appear to be. On the other hand, who the hell buys a water heater at the mall? Anyway, Lynette nags Gay Matt into getting out of bed to go downstairs to set up the coffee maker.

Meanwhile, Claire is loading the washer. In the dead of night. And, mid-load, she notices that there's some baby food on her robe, and she tosses it into the washer along with everything else, leaving her naked. In someone else's house. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but let's go with it. But tragically, and unsurprisingly, as Claire skitters back to her room naked -- and why was she walking around naked under her robe in a house with three little boys anyway?-- she runs into Gay Matt, who is, of course, utterly entranced by Claire's boobies. That is so very Susan of her. Claire and Gay Matt have a very, very awkward conversation wherein she turns around and he can't look away from her bare back. Is she wearing panties? That seems like it would make a difference, but go ahead and decide for yourself, you detail-oriented perv. They chat idly -- and awkwardly, like I said -- about the coffee, and I don't know why Gay Matt is still talking to the poor girl, or why he doesn't look away, and I also don't know why she doesn't grab an afghan or a pillow off the sofa for modesty. I do know that if this is supposed to make my boyfriend Gay Matt look like a letch, I really don't appreciate that. Anyway, Claire offers to make the coffee and Gay Matt then races upstairs and puts the moves on Lynette, because Claire's hot naked ass made him horny. I have to say that Doug Savant was hilarious in that scene, because he chose to act as though Claire's ass put him in some kind of trance. He hasn't blinked in, like, ten minutes.

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Desperate Housewives

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