Desperate Housewives
Move On

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Move On

Casa S&M. KimberBree sails downstairs, looking amazing in a red satin sheath and an updo. Rex is appropriately impressed and wonders if she's going out. KimberBree sings that she has a date. She doesn't want to give him another heart attack, but it's true: "It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man, and I intend to French the hell out of him." Brilliant. The bell rings, as Rex looks studiously nonplussed. KimberBree ushers George inside, after he presents her with a bouquet from his garden. She reintroduces George and her husband. Rex gives George a sarcastic little wave. George stutters that he thought Rex and KimberBree were separated. KimberBree: "Oh we are, emotionally. Physically, he just lives here because his mistress refuses to care for him. Would you like a drink?" She then instructs Rex to "say hello to George." Rex: "Hello, George." George: "Hello, Dr. Van de Kamp." KimberBree skitters off to put her flowers in some water, and George takes a seat. The men chat about Rex's heart and the pharmacy, and Rex suddenly just starts laughing: "I recently engaged in some extra-curricular activity, and [KimberBree's] doing everything she can to make me suffer. All you can do is laugh!" George looks startled and guesses that's true. Poor George. Reenter KimberBree, who coos that George's flowers are the best ones she's ever gotten. She shoots Rex a dirty look and then announces that she's ready to go. "It was nice talking to you, Dr. Van de Kamp," George says. "Please! You're dating my wife. Call me Rex," Rex says. That was a very sharply done scene, from all three actors. Well played, folks.

The mall. I guess Gay Matt and Lynette have spent all day there. Lynette passively-aggressively comments that the salesgirl who sold them the water heater "had a cute figure." Gay Matt agrees, sounding both cautious and confused. "She was so your type. Big breasts. Really curvy," Lynette says. Gay Matt is all, "What the hell are you talking about?" Lynette says that she's just saying that he prefers women who are really curvy, that's all: "Like that salesgirl...or Claire." Gay Matt assures her that he prefers only one type, and that is her. He kisses her cheek. "Aw, you kiss me like that would end this conversation, and that is so wrong," she sings. Matt wonders why he's in trouble. "The only reason you made love to me the other night was because you had just seen Claire naked," she tells him. "Oh, crap," Gay Matt says mildly.

Cut to Gay Matt and Lynette in the car, driving out of the mall toward the parking payment booth. Matt tells Lynette that Claire is a great nanny, and that it would be stupid to lose her over something like this. Lynette reminds him that they've had crushes before and they've always laughed about it. What worries her this time is that Gay Matt is denying that he's attracted to Claire. Matt stutters that he's not denying it. "Oh, so you are attracted to her?" Lynette snaps. "I didn't say that," he reports. And so Lynette stops the car about fifteen feet away from the parking booth, holding up EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE MALL BECAUSE SHE IS A BIG BABY. Selfish, selfish Lynette. PEOPLE WANT TO GET HOME, BITCH. PAY YOUR TICKET AND FIGHT LATER. There is so much honking. But Lynette announces, "We are not going anywhere until you admit you have the hots for our nanny." She then goes into this whole Men Are Visual Creatures spiel, but I hear none of it, because her ridiculous behavior here is so fucking rude to the rest of the planet. I got stuck in a line to pay for parking once at the Beverly Center for, like, an hour and a half and I literally almost lost my mind. Thinking about that makes me want to PUNCH LYNETTE RIGHT IN HER SELFISH BITCHFACE. A woman actually gets out of the car and knocks on their window "We'd all like to get out of here. Is there a problem?" she asks. Lynette smiles: "My husband won't admit he has lust in his heart. Can you give us a minute?" she asks. And I think we're supposed to think, "Oh, that Lynette! Such a charming straight shooter! She really SPEAKS what's in MY HEART," but I'm mostly just thinking, "GOD, LYNETTE, I HATE YOU." Anyway, the woman just gives her the hand and goes back to her own car. I would have said, "Can you talk about this after you let me OUT OF THE FUCKING PARKING LOT?" and then I really would have lost my shit. Anyway, inside the car, Gay Matt agrees that Claire is indeed an attractive little piece of ass, but he's not attracted TO HER. If he thought her living with them was a problem, he'd be the first to fire the kid, he assures Lynette. "It's you. You're the one," he says. "You always have been and you always will be." No one can resist this, not even BitchBot Lynette, and they kiss. Everyone behind them honks. Inside their cars, each and every driver drops the F bomb in one form or another. "All right, hold your water!" Lynette chuckles, like this has all been so very cute, rather than SUPER-ANNOYING AND EVIL, and drives up to pay for her parking.

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Desperate Housewives

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