Dead Mary Alice finally gives it a rest and lets dead Rex Van de Kamp do the smug omniscient narrator thing -- a switch-up that's oddly not all that noticeable. Edie's ex surprises her by dropping off their eight-year-old son (!) for a one-month stay. Edie, who is a terrible mother, heads out on a date and gets drunk, leaving her son at home unattended. Carlos, who's got a hot date of his own, spies Edie's son playing out in the street. He brings the kid inside, effectively derailing the sex train he almost had choo-chooing with his own date. When Edie stumbles home, Carlos gives her a tongue-lashing, and not in a sexy way. Tom and Lynette are coming up on their ninth wedding anniversary, and all Lynette wants to do is take a bath and go to bed early, also not in a sexy way. Tom wants to celebrate by surprising Lynette with a complicated cornholio plan that involves both a limo ride and a horse-drawn carriage, and also a viola player. Lynette gets wind of the surprise and immediately starts with the whining. Tom cancels his plans in a hurt little huff, and organizes a poker game with the Boys of Wisteria instead. Lynette feels guilty, so when the limo driver -- who didn't get the cancellation message -- arrives at the house, she puts on a dress and heads out, a wacklarious mix-up that leads to her spending two hours in the middle of nowhere, freezing and burning with rage. Tom discovers what happened and comes to get her, sputtering sorries galore. They head to a diner and all looks doomed between them, but then Lynette admits that she...blah blah blah, they're totally still in love, the end. Ian lets it slip that he knew about the ring Mike planned to give Susan before he got be-coma-ed. Mike is not pleased. Things come to a head at the poker game, and the snarks start to fly almost as fast as the chips. Ian puts a bunch of money into the pot, which Mike matches with an IOU promise never to tell Susan about the ring; Ian wins the hand, meaning that Mike is now silenced, and Ian and Susan's nups are going down. A cocky mayoral candidate likes the look of Gabby, so he has his driver ram her car. Barbs, jabs, and spars ensue. He and Gabby go out on the inevitable date, but despite his riches and power (huh?), Gabby tells him that she's not interested, which only fans his flames higher. He tells some waiter that someday he's going to "marry that woman," etc. Austin writes a letter to Julie that magically makes her want to give him another chance, except that Danielle's all knocked up, and apparently Austin's the dad. Orson arranges for Danielle to head out of town to have the baby, and insists that Austin leave Fairview, too, like permanently. Austin balks, citing his love of Julie, but Andrew reminds Austin what a dog he really is, and how it's only a matter of time before he strays on Julie once again. Though it pains him so, Austin agrees with Andrew, and after a stilted goodbye, he and his waxed torso vroom off on his rebel-cycle, whatever.
MAVO takes us through the previouslies (Danielle is a slut in heat; Bree once, in a better, funnier galaxy far, far away, had a husband named Rex), but when the episode itself actually gets started, the VO switches -- with no explanation or fanfare -- over to none other than dead Rex Van de Kamp himself. As we gaze upon Rex's tombstone, which reads that he died in 2005, just two short years ago (and yet...doesn't that seem so much longer than that, those salad days back when the show was spry and full of promise?), Rex VOs about how much he's always hated cemeteries. This unmemorable insight (who doesn't dislike cemeteries?) provides the clumsy contrasting entrée to some place "a whole lot nicer": the Van de Kamp manse, which he reports is as clean and orderly as ever, "everything perfect...at least on the surface." A redheaded stand-in for Marcia Cross lugs a suitcase into the foyer, and then Good Andrew comes down, helpfully carrying more luggage. Rex points out that "you'd never guess" Andrew spent the last half year on the street, getting by on "panhandling and light prostitution." Danielle comes in and gives Bree a sweet hug, and Rex asks us if she looks at all like the kind of girl who'd "seduce her middle-aged history teacher?" REXVO: "I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em. But I'm pretty darned relieved to be dead!" Ho ho ho.
Next, Rex introduces us to Orson (why does he feel the need to tell us all this stuff we already know?), the "clown" who married Bree. Apparently Orson has "creeped" Rex out from the very start. Orson Felix Ungers a piece of lint off of Bree's Burberry carryon. Rex tells us how Orson always seems to have the "shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried. And he should know: he buried them." Note that Rex said "bodies," plural -- was Rex just being generally descriptive, or should we be dredging the local lakes for more corpses? The playful Unreliable and Possibly Jealous Narrator music plucks merrily away. Hey, Rex? Don't you have something to say to Bree? An apology, maybe, for suspecting her of murdering you? Or how about for never, ever managing to give her an orgasm? Hm?
Orson puts Bree into a cab (she, it turns out, is heading off to visit her parents before she and Orson meet up for their honeymoon trip -- an extended cover story that ought to explain away Marcia Cross's baby-related absence through the end of the season), and Orson and the kids all wave as she drives away. Tom and Carlos, who are out in the street enthusiastically playing with some sort of...radio-controlled toy thing, wave merrily at Orson, and Rex tells us with disgust how all his old friends love Orson, too. All except Mike, who strolls right on up to Orson and gives him hell for planting that murderous wrench on him. Mike makes some veiled threats about going to the police and telling them how Orson was at Monique's house the night of her murder. Orson volleys back veiled threats of his own, about how interested the cops would be in the story of Mike chasing him off the roof at the hospital. Stalemate! They stare into each other's eyes with tantric intensity, and then Orson smugly holds out his hand and Mike shakes it resignedly. Credits!