Desperate Housewives
My Husband, The Pig

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My Husband, The Pig
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

MAVO takes us through the previouslies (Danielle is a slut in heat; Bree once, in a better, funnier galaxy far, far away, had a husband named Rex), but when the episode itself actually gets started, the VO switches -- with no explanation or fanfare -- over to none other than dead Rex Van de Kamp himself. As we gaze upon Rex's tombstone, which reads that he died in 2005, just two short years ago (and yet...doesn't that seem so much longer than that, those salad days back when the show was spry and full of promise?), Rex VOs about how much he's always hated cemeteries. This unmemorable insight (who doesn't dislike cemeteries?) provides the clumsy contrasting entrée to some place "a whole lot nicer": the Van de Kamp manse, which he reports is as clean and orderly as ever, "everything perfect...at least on the surface." A redheaded stand-in for Marcia Cross lugs a suitcase into the foyer, and then Good Andrew comes down, helpfully carrying more luggage. Rex points out that "you'd never guess" Andrew spent the last half year on the street, getting by on "panhandling and light prostitution." Danielle comes in and gives Bree a sweet hug, and Rex asks us if she looks at all like the kind of girl who'd "seduce her middle-aged history teacher?" REXVO: "I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em. But I'm pretty darned relieved to be dead!" Ho ho ho.

Next, Rex introduces us to Orson (why does he feel the need to tell us all this stuff we already know?), the "clown" who married Bree. Apparently Orson has "creeped" Rex out from the very start. Orson Felix Ungers a piece of lint off of Bree's Burberry carryon. Rex tells us how Orson always seems to have the "shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried. And he should know: he buried them." Note that Rex said "bodies," plural -- was Rex just being generally descriptive, or should we be dredging the local lakes for more corpses? The playful Unreliable and Possibly Jealous Narrator music plucks merrily away. Hey, Rex? Don't you have something to say to Bree? An apology, maybe, for suspecting her of murdering you? Or how about for never, ever managing to give her an orgasm? Hm?

Orson puts Bree into a cab (she, it turns out, is heading off to visit her parents before she and Orson meet up for their honeymoon trip -- an extended cover story that ought to explain away Marcia Cross's baby-related absence through the end of the season), and Orson and the kids all wave as she drives away. Tom and Carlos, who are out in the street enthusiastically playing with some sort of...radio-controlled toy thing, wave merrily at Orson, and Rex tells us with disgust how all his old friends love Orson, too. All except Mike, who strolls right on up to Orson and gives him hell for planting that murderous wrench on him. Mike makes some veiled threats about going to the police and telling them how Orson was at Monique's house the night of her murder. Orson volleys back veiled threats of his own, about how interested the cops would be in the story of Mike chasing him off the roof at the hospital. Stalemate! They stare into each other's eyes with tantric intensity, and then Orson smugly holds out his hand and Mike shakes it resignedly. Credits!

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Desperate Housewives

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