Desperate Housewives
My Husband, The Pig

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My Husband, The Pig

Back to the big "Poker? I Don't Even Really Remember Wanting to Marry Her" game. Tom folds. "Another courageous move for Foldilocks," taunts Carlos. Foldilocks! Ian appears to be winning, and tempers are wearing thin. Mike suddenly starts grilling Ian about why he proposed to Susan so suddenly, without even pausing to get a ring, clearly digging at the fact that Ian only proposed because he found Mike's ring and wanted to nup Susan up before she found out about Mike's ring, too. Tom tries to refocus everyone back onto the game, but Mike bitterly explains that he recently discovered that he himself bought a ring for Susan, before some "son of a bitch" ran him over and put him in a coma. Orson, in a mildly funny bid to change the topic (which for obvious reasons is less than comfortable for him), jumps in to say, "Hey, Tom's right, we should focus on the game." But Mike keeps pushing: he checked with the hospital, he knows that Mike's ring got mixed up with Ian's wife's things, he knows that Ian saw Mike's ring the very day he proposed to Susan. Mike, menacingly: "What do you think Susan would say if she found out why your proposal was so spontaneous?" And yet, hadn't she and Ian been talking about marriage even before he found the ring? What gives? Who cares? This whole disgruntlement of Mike's just feels so forced to me. Luckily, Tom's phone interrupts the testosterone tête à tête: It's the limo driver. He has a flat, and is therefore going to be a little late picking up Tom and Lynette. Tom is totally confused, seeing as he canceled the limo for tonight. Ah, but apparently limo-man didn't get the message; no, he went ahead and picked up Lynette and dropped her off at the remote rural intersection two whole hours ago. Cut to...

...Lynette, wearing nothing but a skimpy cocktail dress, shivering alone in the dark. A coyote cries mournfully. Does this episode seem endless beyond all sanity to you? Yeah, me too.

Tom scampers off to go rescue Lynette, and the rest of the guys settle in for some serious, high-stakes poker. Ian pushes a tall stack of chips into the pot, and Orson folds disgustedly, followed shortly thereafter by Carlos. As Ian and Mike settle into another one of those epic extended-remix hate stares, Orson and Carlos wander off to go find some more booze. While they're gone, the betting continues to escalate. Mike pushes all his chips in, and Ian drops Mike's $8500 reimbursement check onto the pot. Mike isn't able to match the raise, so Ian proposes that Mike bet an IOU to not tell Susan about Ian's ring-espying secret. In other words, if Ian wins this hand, Mike has to keep silent. This makes zero sense to me: what does Mike have to gain here, other than the money, which he's already parted ways with sans hardship or struggle? Right now, Mike's free to tell Susan whatever he wants; why risk setting himself up with a potential gag order? Also, according to my very meager understanding of poker, doesn't the fact that Mike's already pushed all his chips in mean that he's in for the ride, all further raises aside, with no actual obligation to meet those raises? Sigh. Mike looks down at his full house of Queens and Kings, and goes ALL IN. Dumb, dumb, dumbbbb. Cut to...

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Desperate Housewives

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