Desperate Housewives
My Husband, The Pig

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My Husband, The Pig

Rex ushers us over to Tom's house, where Tom and Lynette are taking turns complaining about how very tired they are, what with running the pizzeria and so on. Lynette reveals that she fielded a confirmation call from the restaurant where Tom made reservations for their anniversary -- reservations she took the liberty of canceling because really, truly, she would prefer just to come home, take a bath, and crawl in bed for an early night's sleep. Tom tries to drum up some celebratory rah-rah ("Come on, the big nine[-year mark]! That's a year longer than my mother said we would be married!"), but Lynette is just too tired to care. She is also, it appears, too tired to rinse her mouth out after she brushes her teeth: she spends this entire scene brushing her teeth, then just spits and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Are the Scavos now so poor that they can no longer afford running water? Tom: "What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary." Lynette: "We can still have sex, just try not to wake me." Long-term relationships are hot. Tom gives a funny little "I'll take whatever I can get" shrug.

Rex takes us over to Ian, who, we're told, knows that, in the war of love, you have to "bring out the big artillery." Ian hands Susan a jewelry box, and she's dazzled by its prodigious size. She squeals and giggles, and then she holds out her hand and says, "Rock me." Which is weirdly cute and revolting all at the same time. Ian slips on the ring, and Susan starts jumping around manically, and the ring slips off her finger onto the floor, just like a poor meatball. Susan pounces on it, and then Ian frantically urges her to go in and get ring resized right away, like today. And hey, when does Susan want to start talking about the location of their reception? Susan: "What's the rush? Am I pregnant?" Ha! Ian tries to play it off as love-swooning eagerness to get his knot tied to Susan, but she suspects him of being weirdly "anxious." Cut to...

...Mike, down at the hospital, a puzzled look on his face as he holds the ring meant for Susan. He tells the nurse that he has no memory of it, so she points out the inscription, which reads, "Susan, be mine forever, Mike." Mike looks sad and mad.

Edie comes a-knocking at Mike's house, and Carlos answers the door. (You'd think that she'd be a little shy about showing her face around those parts, given the gross way she dumped Mike, no?) Edie is there to reintroduce her son to Carlos. Well, well. Edie has a son! The kid's name is "Travers" -- as if a child of Edie doesn't have enough to worry about, he also has to have a name that sounds like some rashy thing you get from sitting around too long in a wet bathing suit. Carlos immediately gets all palsy walsy and hunkers down on his knees so he's at kid level. Travers tells him that he remembers Carlos handing out protein bars at Halloween. I love how we're just pretending Edie's son and Wisteria Lane go way back, even though this is the first we've seen of him in over sixty episodes. Oh, Travers -- yes, of course! Anyway, Edie's there because she wants Carlos to babysit tonight; she has a big party to go to, and Travers's dad surprised her by dropping him off for a month-long visit without any warning. Dad, Edie snipes, is off to fix cleft palates in Kenya with Doctors Without Borders, "the selfish son of a bitch." That does seem like the kind of trip a person would know about well in advance, actually. So why did he surprise Edie with this? Hm. Unfortunately, Carlos, as we well know, already has plans to be doing some shrieking tonight, and is thus not available for Travers-watching. Edie -- who I feel compelled to tell you looks a touch "Cro-Magnon Man" in this scene, like she accidentally switched her Botox injection with her collagen shot and gave her brow an unfortunate plumping -- stomps off in a huff.

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Desperate Housewives

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