Desperate Housewives
My Husband, The Pig

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My Husband, The Pig

...Ian, holding a check from Mike to the tune of $8500, a reimbursement for the legal fees Ian covered on Mike's behalf. Huh: somehow I thought those lawyer bills would be a lot, lot, lot more than that. Through the course of the conversation, Mike reveals that he sold Susan's would-be engagement ring to cover the check, and Ian manages to let slip that he knew about the inscription, meaning that he's seen Mike's ring. And queue the Pop Goes Creepy, Manipulative, Jealous Weasel music. What does Susan even see in that varmint Ian, exactly? Is it his grating mid-Atlantic accent? His untamed insecurities? What? Ian scuttles off, and Mike stares after him with menace in his heart and two eyes made out of coal; he does that a lot in the episode. Speaking of territorial pissing...

...Danielle weepingly informs Austin that she's "peed on five different sticks." Wow, high school sure is getting fetishy these days. Oh, wait -- does she mean sticks as in...pregnancy tests? Ah. Austin suggests a visit to a "clinic," but Danielle insists that he has to marry her, which seems a little old-fashioned for our spunky little Danielle. Usually Danielle is such a Bree Contrarian, so falling in step with Bree's rigid anti-unwed mother leanings is somewhat unexpected. Also: how do we know the baby even belongs to Austin? What about the gross, married History teacher Danielle dirtied? Danielle races off to go get morning sick in Edie's bathroom, and the second she's gone, a shining-faced Julie arrives, all contrite and happy after reading Austin's "sweet" letter. I really cannot fathom what Austin could have possibly put in that letter that would have been good enough to get her to forgive him for lying and cheating on her, but apparently he found Julie's secret abracadabra, because now she's super gung-ho to start over with him. Even more miraculously: Danielle stays in the bathroom long enough for Austin to hustle Julie out of there.

Down at Cucina (the restaurant, not the vagina), Old Vic is hard at work trying to charm the pants off Gabby, but Gabby just giggles and tells him she sees right through him: she knows that he deliberately rammed her car, and she knows that he deliberately left his signature off her check. And now she's is going to deliberately not go on another date with him. Her reluctance to date a very rich and powerful man seems wildly out of character for Gabby, but maybe Zana burned the gold-digger out of her? Or perhaps she just remembered that this guy has a Golden Showers fetish? Vic: "Haven't you noticed? I'm a catch?" Ew. Gabby: "I have noticed, and I'm throwing you back." Vic gives her the speech about always getting what he wants, and now he wants her, and yet still she strolls away. Vic, to the (I guess) waiter: "Bruno? I'm going to marry that girl." What's with this episode? Just an endless stream of marital plotting brought on by all the wrong reasons: pregnancy (Danielle and Austin), panic (Susan and Ian), and now the base thrill of the chase. Bluh. I know Vic's stalkish behavior and astounding ego (girls are expected to appreciate the inconvenience of getting their cars rammed simply because he's the one doing the ramming?) are both supposed to come off as alluring, but really, this whole plotline is just kind of dull; whenever I think back on this episode, I keep completely forgetting this guy even exists. Also -- and maybe this is it just me -- is John Slattery like a humorless, sex-and-pepper-haired version of The Kids In The Hall's Kevin McDonald? Ah, if only they'd actually used Kevin McDonald here, versus just lifting the actor from Sex & The City...that would have been truly inspired.

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Desperate Housewives

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