Desperate Housewives
My Husband, The Pig

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My Husband, The Pig

In the kitchen, Andrew frankly tells Austin that he's a dog, and knows it. Andrew advises Austin to look into his heart -- it shouldn't be hard to find; it's right there, underneath his glistening, perpetually naked chest -- and consider how long it will be, realistically, before Austin cheats on Julie yet again; he adds, with a charity I didn't believe him capable of: "Julie deserves better." At first, Austin looks offended by this line of questioning, but slowly, the self-realization bubbles forth, followed shortly thereafter by self-disgust. Also, for some unexplained reason, Andrew is totally checking out Austin's ass throughout this entire scene. Maybe because he's still interested in paying Austin a special visit (and not just for the BBQ, or the bridge bats, or the two-stepping...I'm talking about the SEXING). Or perhaps some secret, Method-acting tangent is to blame, like Shawn Pyfrom has become convinced that Andrew dreams of becoming a proctologist. Or maybe Andrew just really, really likes dogs?

Down at the Scavoria, the gentlemen's poker game is about to begin! Carlos is there, and Orson, too. (I wonder how Orson even heard about the game, seeing as he's supposed to be out of town by now?) Mike arrives, and he and Orson exchange wary looks. Then Ian walks in, and Mike looks even less pleased. Mike is juggling so many beefs, he should...host a cookout. (Sorry, that's all I've got on that one.) Carlos whisper-asks Tom what "Fish and Chips" is doing there, and Tom whispers back that Susan asked Tom to invite Ian because the poor Brit wanted to learn how to play poker. How does everyone in town know about this game? Didn't Tom decide to host it just this afternoon?

Julie is getting out of her car when Austin walks up. He glumly reports that he's there to say goodbye. Julie looks confused and disappointed; once girls get a taste of that greasy abdomen, they never stop craving it. Austin, soulful, bitter: "I just want you to know that it means a lot that you were willing to give me a second chance. You're, like, the only person who's ever done that." And yet...didn't the Scavos rehire him even after he got caught smoking the chronic at the restaurant? As an Ode to the Suddenly and Depressingly Self-Aware Human Torso toodles away on the Desperate piano, Julie pulls Austin in for a goodbye kiss. After staring a burning stare in her general direction, he turns and walks sad, sad, sad, all the way home.

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Desperate Housewives

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