Okay, where were we? Oh, right: Zana was holding Susan hostage and waiting for Mike to come home so that Zana could shoot him. Only it turns out Zana doesn't get to shoot Mike, or Susan, not even Bongo the dog. Instead, Susan tackles Zana, gets a bloody lip, and accidentally shoots off the gun. The bullet hits the bottle of a stray neighborhood alcoholic, and Zana runs off into the night. Susan tries to report Zana to the police, but Mike says that they don't want to file a report because, you see, Zana is maybably his son? The news throws Susan for a loop, but after thinking it through, a fit of unexpected parental responsibility comes over her and she tells Mike that, while she knows he's probably going to be spending a lot of time getting to know his son, and she's happy for him, really, she just can't live with the two of them and expose Julie to crazy, stalky Zana. So the big move-in is OFF! Lynette interviews for a new job and gets called back for a second interview when, no way, house-husband Tom's back goes out! And Lynette is, of course, forced to drag the baby with her to the interview. But wait just one minute: the new boss is actually so impressed by her multitasking wowness (she drops some advertising science on him about how his company needs to redesign its website, something-something about a "site map," while simultaneously changing a diaper) that he hires her on the spot. With Carlos out of the picture, John the Gardener tries to move in, but Gabi wants neither him nor his virgin Mimosa. And then she forges a paternity test to convince Carlos that he is the father-to-be, I guess because she wants to reconcile with him? Because he's rich? Meanwhile Rex is definitely dead, and his mom is in town for the funeral, making cutting comments about her son's unhappy marriage and toting Rex's hideous prep-school tie, which she's positive he would want to wear to his own funeral. But Bree puts her foot down, all, "Rex is not going to be buried in that tie, even if it means I have wrestle it off his waxy corpse in front of god and everyone" (which, incidentally, is exactly what she does). Also: new neighbors Betty and her hot son Matthew have someone chained up in their basement.
Previously on Desperate Housewives: a season finale by the name of "One Wonderful Day" aired. Maybe you saw it?
Okay so...Mike was about to walk into his house and get his brains blown out by Zana. Or maybe it's Bongo who's going to get it, or Susan will manage to shoot herself somehow. But before we get to that, first...Ida Greenberg. Come on, Ida Greenberg? You remember Ida. Ida, the newspaper thief? Ida, who is also the neighborhood drunk? Ida "Sure Like Another Drink" Greenberg? So Ida is sneaking out of a house with something suspiciously bottle-y wrapped in a paper bag. We get some Ida flashbacking, with MAVO explaining how she'd been spotted hiccupping drunk at sewing bees, hiccupping drunk at the DMV, and burping drunk at First Methodist church. (And who's that sitting in the pew behind Ida? Edie? In church! ["Probably sweating like a...well, anyway." -- Wing Chun]) Back in the now, we see Ida walking up the street, unscrewing the top of some sort of whisky something. MAVO: "Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't. Then one night, in a moment of despair, she challenged God," Ida looks up at the heavens, "to quench her neverending thirst. Luckily for Ida, God was listening." Mike's truck drives up the street behind Ida and pulls into his driveway.
And then bam! Mike's walking in the door and Zana's right there with his gun, his shirt buttoned and tucked beyond all sanity. And Bongo's there. And Susan too. Slowly, with lips pursed like a little girl flute player, Zana levels his gun at Mike. "[Zana], listen to me," Mike pleads, but Zana isn't in a listening mood; rather, he's in a gun-cocking mood. At the sound of the bullet clicking into place, Susan springs out of her seat, shouting "Noooooo" as she throws her body, all seven pounds of it, against Zana. Zana falls to the ground, the gun gets knocked to the side, and a spastic struggle ensues, Zana pulling on Susan's leg and Mike pulling on Zana's arm and Bongo bonging like crazy. Somehow, Susan manages to grab the gun. "Not so tough now, are you?" says she. Hey, Susan's lip's bleeding! Susan's moment of triumph lasts all of two seconds before Bongo attacks her leg. That bad, bad Bongo, such a grudge-keeper! Mike lets go of Zana and runs over to try to get Bongo off Susan. Susan trips backward and falls into a chair, causing the gun to, of course, go off, as surely we all knew it would the very second we saw it in Susan's hands. But don't worry, no one's hurt! Nobody except Ida's bottle of precious brown fluids, which Susan has managed to shoot by way of Mike's window. Zana races out the door and up the street, and we see Ida, standing there looking astonished with nothing but the neck of her exploded bottle in her hands. MAVO: "It was at that moment it occurred to Ida [that] God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle."