Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Evany: B | Grade It Now!

Gabby's back at prison, showing off her amazing Photoshopping prowess to Carlos. Wait, for this to be even remotely credible, shouldn't Carlos have given blood or something? At least that's how it went down on Veronica Mars. Beyond all believability, Carlos seems to take the paternity test, and his claim to father-ship, at face value. Yet still, it isn't enough for him. "What do you want," Gabby asks exasperatedly, "a Father's Day card?" Carlos, it appears, is still angry that she did the one thing he asked her not to do, i.e. have hot and thorough sex many, many times with an underage gardener. "And you knew the one thing I didn't want was a child," Gabby counters, "and you still tricked me into getting pregnant." Carlos: "That's not the same thing." Gabby: "Damn straight -- what you did was worse." Gabby and Carlos glare at each other fiercely for a few seconds, and then Carlos kind of crumples. "We're not very nice people, are we?" he says. Right ON! Hurray, hip-hip! That should be the town's new motto, on the Welcome sign and on every bumper sticker on every car in town. That should be the title of this show! Gabby agrees that they're not very nice people. Breakthrough! "Ohhh," Carlos sighs with much fatigue, "when we got married, I thought we were going to be so happy." Gabby agrees again. She adds, "Look on the bright side: at least we're still rich." Carlos says, "Thank god for that." Exactly.

Mike comes out to get the paper and finds Susan sitting on his porch. She's had some time to think since their talk at the morgue, and it occurs to her that she was very rude, running off like that, and that she was so selfishly wrapped up in her own freak-out that she didn't even pause to congratulate Mike on his new status as Father. Tearfully, she presses on, saying that, naturally Mike's going to be wanting to have a relationship with Zana (you know, once they actually find Zana and he gets over that whole wanting-to-kill-Mike thing). "And out of all the mixed-up teenagers in the world, Zach is just the one kid that I can't be around. I can't have Julie around him. So, what I'm trying to say --" At this point she gets too choked up to continue, so Mike finishes for her: "We can't move in together." "But I am so happy for you, really," Susan says, "You have a child, and that is good for you." Mike asks, so forlornly, if there isn't any way... But Susan puts her foot down, tells him she's sorry, and that she'll, um, see him around. And then she runs off and...OH my god. I don't know what the hell-o is going on here, maybe it's something about the way they filmed her, the angle? But Teri Hatcher looks so incredibly, grotesquely skinny as she trots up Mike's path that it gave me a chill. Really. I rewound and played, rewound and played this last bit like seven times, with my mouth just AJAR. My boyfriend and I spent five whole minutes trying to put it into words, how unsettling she looks. "Skeletal" is the word for it, but so much so that it actually affects the way she moves. Remember the skeletons fighting and grinning and looking so creepy in Jason and the Argonauts? Or The Pirates of the Caribbean (the movie)? Just like that! No wait, wait! Better still: at the end of Terminator, when all of Arnold's flesh has been worn off, and he's just a metal killing machine with red eyes? That is how Teri looks at the end of this scene! It is truly that terrifying. Oh Teri: I don't want to make light of this situation with your insane eating disorder, but seriously, I have some cans of soup in my cupboard, and also some tasty nuts. Please post your address at the end of the next episode so I know where to send it. I am not kidding. Love, Evany. And to Susan: I think it's great that you are finally putting your daughter first and everything, but maybe the fact that Mike was fixing to execute CreePaul in the desert was also a dealbreaker. Maybe even a touch more so? Just, you know, "priorities." Yours until Ivory soap sinks! Evany.

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Desperate Housewives




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