Desperate Housewives

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Evany: B | Grade It Now!

And then, in another one of this show's favorite meaningless coincidental crossovers, we cut over to the Mother of all Rex's problems, who is taking some papers out of her purse. See that? Purses, papers? This town is so eerily connected. Mommy Phyllis and Bree are sitting with the minister, doing some eulogy brainstorming. Mommy Phyllis confesses that she stayed up all night writing up fifteen pages' worth of amusing anecdotes about Rex. The minister looks suitably dismayed as Mommy Phyllis tries to hand him her novella, which Bree intercepts neatly. "Phyllis, these are all things that happened to Rex before he went to college," says Bree. Mommy Phyllis doesn't see the problem. Bree: "Well, don't you think it would be nice if Reverend devoted part of his eulogy to his life after his marriage?" Mommy Phyllis: "Oh, well, yes, of course, the reverend will mention that part of his life." And they're off! Bree: "He's going to do more than mention it. That's the part he'll focus on. In fact, I think three anecdotes that focus on Rex's childhood is more than enough." Bree hands exactly three sheets over to the minister. Mommy Phyllis: "I just thought if we were going to focus on a time in Rex's life, we might as well focus on the happiest time." Bree slams down her tea cup and glares at Phyllis, who is looking very sly -- very cat-with-cream-y. The minister desperately tries to change the subject, but Bree is having none of it: "Reverend. If you don't call her on that incredibly insensitive comment, I'm going to lose it." The minister tries to excuse Mommy Phyllis -- clearly, she didn't mean it the way it sounded? Mommy Phyllis: "I knew exactly what I was saying." Rev: "Ladies..." Bree: "The happiest time in Rex's life was not his childhood. He loved being a husband, and he loved being a father." Mommy Phyllis, smugly: "He may have loved being a father, but your marriage...was...a disaster." They take potshots at each other until finally Bree throws her trump card: "You are no longer invited to the funeral!" Both the minister and the Mommy Phyllis are flabbergasted. Surely she's not serious? Bree: "Oh yes I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks, and if you so much as set foot into that sanctuary, they are going to be instructed to beat you with those sticks." The minister tries to tell Bree that this is her grief talking, but Bree shuts him down: "Reverend if you don't back me up on this, so help me I will pull the funeral out of your church. I am not kidding, I will go nondenominational so fast it will make your head spin." And with that, she gives a tight little smile and stalks out of the room. Mommy Phyllis looks 110% miffed, and the minister takes an embarrassed little sip of his tea. In summary: Rex may have liked the looks of big-breasted women, but he pretty much married his mother.

And from the minister sipping his tea, we cut to Edie sipping her coffee. She's at her house, which is still abuzz with construction. Susan walks up, and Edie eagerly tells her she heard what happened with Zana. Susan isn't much in the mood for chatting (what with just discovering that her boyfriend has been undermining her to the police), and she rather brusquely asks Edie where Mike is. But Edie isn't ready to let it drop. "Jeez," Edie says, "you must have been terrified. I mean, he put poor Felicia in the hospital." See? Edie remembers Felicia. Edie, of all the characters on Wisteria Lane, actually thinks about someone else beside herself. Edie, excitedly: "Did he pistol-whip you?" Susan says no and tries to dodge past Edie, but Edie blocks her: "Come on, you can tell me. Did he slap you around?" Nooo. "Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled you're okay, it's just that when someone holds someone else hostage, they usually rough them up a little?" But again, no. "Oh," Edie says with a frown, but then, one-last-hopefully: "Not even a little kicking?" Mike comes out of Edie's house, carrying some kind of pipe thing, and Susan marches over and comes right out with it: "So there's a rumor going around that you don't want to press charges against Zach. Is that true?" Mike reluctantly confirms that it is. Susan: "Wow, I find that...confusing." Mike says that if they make a big deal out of things, Zana could go to prison. Susan doesn't see how that's a problem, considering that he held a gun to Susan's face. Mike: "I've been to prison. He couldn't handle it." Again, Susan doesn't really care. But Mike thinks that, deep down, Zana is a good kid. In a final effort to sway Mike over to the Zana-haters' side, Susan tries to show off Zana's crazy by telling Mike that the reason Zana wanted to kill Mike was because he thought Mike had kidnapped and then killed CreePaul. Mike: "I didn't kill Paul Young." Susan didn't actually think he did, but why, she wonders, did Zana? Mike sighs and spells it out for her -- how CreePaul and Mary Alice had taken in Deirdre's baby; how when Deirdre returned to take the baby back, they murdered her; and how CreePaul and Mary Alice raised the baby as their own. Susan looks suitably shocked and is busy "ohmygod"ing when Edie comes out with Mike's phone. It's the police: Zana's dead, and they want Mike to come ID the body.

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Desperate Housewives




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