Desperate Housewives

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DeAnn Welker: B | Grade It Now!
The Re-Marrying Man

Previously: Five seasons happened, the last one ending on a faux cliffhanger, as Mike got married to someone, but it could have been Katherine or Susan. Also, Carlos's bratty niece moved in with Gaby and Carlos, and Gaby put her foot down. Lynette found out she's pregnant with twins. And Bree is using Karl as her divorce lawyer, and also making out with him.

Now it's wedding day, as Mary Alice tells us about all of the bride's fineries: veil, garter, shoes, because the bride wanted only the best for her wedding day since she was about to marry the best man in the world. We see Susan's face as Mary Alice says, "For the second time." Julie's there, and she asks Susan how she feels. Her response: "Like the worst person in the world," because of Katherine. Julie tells her not to worry about it, but I think if you feel that bad about it, maybe you shouldn't be going through with it. Mike and Susan are pronounced man and wife and Katherine greets them in the aisle, all sexy in a red dress as she snorts, "Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?" I think I love angry Katherine much more than the whiner from last season. Opening title cards.

Eight weeks before the wedding. Mary Alice says it's easy to find sin in the suburbs if you look behind closed doors. You'll find your neighbors cheating on their taxes (Lee), drinking too much vodka (Orson), and stealing their father's magazines (Parker, looking at a nudie mag called "Bare Cheeks"). Mary Alice says some sinners occasionally repent as we zoom in on Karl and Bree kissing in his office. She says they can't go through with this, but he thinks that making love with her divorce lawyer would be a great way to get back at her husband for blackmailing her. He throws her down on the couch, but she says she'd rather not break a commandment on his couch, but somewhere where she can feel special. He concedes she's not the only person he's had sex with there, but she's the only special one. That's not enough for Bree. So Karl says he'll find them a hotel. Bree leaves, but not without making it clear to Karl that this visit isn't billable.

Ana tries to rush out of the house to school without eating, but Gaby stops her, and plays fashion police. She knows no girl who spends as much time on her hair and makeup as Ana would leave the house in the frumpy gray sweatshirt she's wearing, so she makes her lift it. Sure enough, she has on a skimpy half tank underneath. Gaby makes her go change, and while she's gone, Gaby and Carlos bicker about Ana. It's basically the same thing as last season -- Carlos thinking nothing Ana does is a big deal because she's had a sad life and Gaby thinking everything she does is bad -- except now Carlos is trying to get Gaby to sign papers saying they will adopt Ana, or at least be her legal guardians. The best moment of the scene is when Ana leaves the room, she tells Gaby maybe she'll wear one of her shirts, so it will get to go somewhere other than the supermarket. Juanita cutely says, "Oh, snap," and Gaby's like, "Hey! You, I can hit." Ana comes back out in a cute T-shirt and asks if that's better. Carlos is all, "Yes. Thank you," but Gaby's too smart for Ana's trickery and pulls the skimpy shirt out of Ana's back, holding up for Carlos, all, "See?!"

Lynette's sitting at her kitchen table when Tom walks in and asks what he smells. Without missing a beat, she says, "Despair. Paralyzing fear." Tom's like, "Oh. I thought it was waffles." Lynette points out she'll be in her 60s when these twins finish high school, and Tom protests, but then realizes she's right. He reminds her how much fun they had raising the first four, and she reminds him how close to the finish line and being alone again they were, and Preston is even moving out: "We will never be done if we birth two every time one moves out. That's just math!" Heh. She storms out, and Tom sighs, "Eight and a half months to go. Yay."

Mike's at Katherine's, asking if she's all right, apparently after breaking up with her. She says she's great, and she could never picture themselves old together anyway. She gives him his engagement ring, which he says isn't necessary, but she says she doesn't need another reminder of him. She seems remarkably together in this scene, but that line's awfully telling. Sad. Then Mike's back at Susan's explaining that Katherine is okay, and seems to be trying to take the high road. Susan wonders if that means she wishes them the best, or that she's going to cut Susan's brake line, so she careens off the high road. Mike says Katherine's dealing with it, and now that she knows, it will be easier for Susan to talk to her. Susan's all, "Why? Why? You're the one who was dating her. I think we're good now." Mike says she has to deal with Katherine at some point, and Susan says she will, but then makes excuses why she can't right away. Mike says she can't avoid the person living across the street from her for fifty years, and Susan says she'll just do it until Katherine's too old to avoid things. Mike tells her not to worry, because Katherine's really going to surprise him. Is this show just trying to make Mike and Susan even more hateable? Because it's working. Susan looks out the window and sees Katherine staring at her. Well, that was sort of a surprise, I guess.

Lee's showing Mary Alice's house to a family of three: Drea de Matteo, Jeffrey Nordling, and newcomer (unless you count the Canadian series Heartland) Beau Mirchoff. Lee's telling them all the great things about the place, and Jeffrey's character, Nick, seems impressed. Lee is also impressed ... with himself, and he tells them it's his first listing. He adds how lucky he is that the lady who normally does real estate on this street just died. Nick's all, "Congratulations." Drea's character Angie is like, "Cut the crap. Why can we afford this place?" He tries not to tell them, but then says that Mary Alice shot herself in the head in the room they're in. Angie's like, "That's it?" Tom says, "Yeah," in a way that also asks, "How does that not creep you out?" They say they'll take it, so Tom goes to get the paperwork. Nick says he thinks they can be happy here, and asks their son, Danny, if he agrees. Danny eerily replies, "Why are you asking me? I didn't want to move here." Angie mysteriously responds only, "Whose fault was that?" Well, TELL US! But they don't. Instead, Danny watches Julie arriving home and hugging Susan across the street.

Six weeks before the wedding. Bree's having some sort of welcome gathering for Angie with all of the ladies (sans Katherine). They compliment Angie's treats (Bree let someone else serve food in her home? I'm not buying it), and she tells them to eat up so she doesn't eat them all, since they go right to your ass. Everyone eyes her as if she's done something terrible, and thankfully she doesn't act all weird about it, but just asks, "Okay, I'm sorry. Do you guys not say 'ass'?" Lynette's like, "We do. Show her, Bree." But, instead of obliging, Bree says she heard Angie's son's starting college. Angie says that he starts next week, but Susan thought he already started since, sometime off screen, he asked Julie to tutor him in math. Hmmm. Mysterious. After all, why would anyone prepare in advance for school?

The doorbell rings, and Bree says it must be Katherine. Susan's all, "Katherine!?" She tries to pretend it's no big deal, but her shrieking gives her away. She says she was going to talk to Katherine, but has been so busy with the wedding plans. Gaby says Susan probably shouldn't open with that. And why wasn't Katherine invited to Angie's "getting to know you" mixer, anyway? Katherine comes in to drop off the menu for some event that's three months away, because she has a lot of free time on her hands these days. Katherine looks at where Susan's literally hiding behind Lynette and says, "Hello, Susan," and wonders why she hasn't seen her much lately. Susan says she's been using the back door a lot lately. Oh, that wacky Susan. But then Katherine out-wackies her because Lynette points out her sweater's buttoned all wrong and her bra is completely showing. Katherine doesn't know where her head is, giggles, then stops and glares at Susan before leaving. Angie's like, "Was it just me or was that the most awkward moment ever?" Bree: "You bet your sweet ass it was." So she did oblige after all.

Lynette's in a waiting room full of pregnant women watching a husband and wife be all cute and lovey. The husband goes to get water and the wife says it's their first. Lynette, "Yeah, I got that." When Lynette says she has four at home and two on the way, the pregnant lady says Lynette's so blessed, since she can't imagine anything greater than being a mommy. She says she knows it's a lot of work, but her husband's going to be really hands-on. Lynette's like, "Yeah, that's not going to happen." He'll change a diaper or two, but won't help out with the four a.m. feedings. The woman tries to say Lynette's wrong, because her Johnny's different, and Lynette's like, "Does he have boobs?" Then she goes on that the soon-to-be-mom can kiss bikini-wearing goodbye, because even though she looks great in her dress, Lynette assures her she's all saggy and gross underneath. She compares her stomach to stucco and her breasts to deflated balloons. Lynette says that this being a great experience is just a lie every generation tells the next so they can get grandchildren. The lady's like, "Please stop talking to me." But Lynette won't. She says she needs to hear this: She's going to feel lonely but never be alone, her kids will hate her, and her husband will buy her bad gifts. The husband comes back to find his wife crying, and Lynette tells him it's hormones, so he should probably get used to it.

Karl takes Bree to a less-than-five-star-hotel and takes off his shirt. She stands in the doorway and tells him this isn't what she was expecting, what with it being filthy and hideous

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Desperate Housewives




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