Back on Wisteria Lane, Susan is giving Mike a walking tour of their life together, pointing out the bush she fell in when she locked herself out of the house naked. Mike is monotone. Mike is blank. Mike is a complete non-entity. Susan, still brimming with optimism, hops off the curb and into the parking spot where they shared their "first kiss." Mike: "Were you naked then, too?" Well hey there, Captain Fun, was that joke? And yet, still Mike's memory is dead. "Look into your heart," Susan tells him, "because I'm in there." She pushes Mike across the street, over to Mary Alice's house, which you'd think he'd remember, because that was the whole reason he moved to Wisteria Lane, and moving there is what he remembers last. But the thing that actually triggers a memory for Mike is Susan tripping over the curb and hurting her toe. He smiles: "You do that a lot, don't you." He remembers! Susan does a little reprise jig of the "Car Wash" disco. But then Mike asks her to refresh his memory about the "British guy." Susan does a super-lame job of explaining the Ian thing. She starts out by saying that she and Ian are "just friends," which is not exactly honest. After a few beats, she amends the statement with a "now," as in they at one point were more than friends. Then she blunders on that the doctors had little hope of Mike ever waking up, blah blah blah, and she just needed "someone to talk to." Mike, sarcastically: "So is that what you were doing up in the country? Talking?"
Just then, a van from the hospital pulls up, and that mean nurse comes running up. Susan tells Mike to tell the nurse about all the "progress" they were making, and he looks at Susan full in the face and tells the nurse, still not taking his eyes off Susan, to take him "back to the hospital." Edie's standing there, too, looking fine in her short-short shorts and sky-high pumps. Susan goes to run after Mike, but Edie blocks her way. Though, really, what else could she say? Either way you slice it, giving up on the man you love after just six months doesn't sound good. Susan blusters that Edie is "evil," and wonders how she "sleep[s] at night." Edie: "Soon? With Mike on top of me." Susan yells "evil" a few more times. Edie suggests that maybe she and Mike were "meant to be together." The idea strikes Susan as insane: "You don't even want him; you're just doing this to hurt me." Edie gets right in Susan's face and says that she's "had a crush on Mike since the day he moved in here." It's true, Edie has been mooning over Mike for ages now, and I can see how, from her point of view, Susan is kind of a monster. Susan burned down Edie's house (accidentally, but still). Susan ran over Edie. Susan slept with Karl (yes, he manipulated her into it, but still, she slept with a supposed friend's boyfriend the day after they allegedly broke up, which is a total breach of the Friend Code). Then again, Edie did torch Susan's house. You know what, they're both awful. And Mike is boring. Really, they all deserve each other. Is Wisteria Lane ready for some poly-love? And sure, throw in Ian for some British quipping fun.