Desperate Housewives
Nice She Ain't

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Nice She Ain't

Van De Hodge Manor. Andrew, Orson, and Bree are at the tail end of that same meal from before. They're just about to dig into some homemade berry pie when a big glassy crash sounds from upstairs. Bree: "Andrew, would you be a dear and make sure your sister is just breaking her own things?"

Upstairs, Andrew knocks on Danielle's door, and she answers with a loud, haunted house-style groan. He walks into the bathroom and finds her lying in the tub. A bottle of bath salts is shattered on the floor, and there's an open bottle of prescription pills on the lip of the tub. She also made the teensiest slice in her wrist, and there's a clean towel and a razor blade sitting there. Danielle opens her eyes just long enough to make sure Andrew's watching, and then she shuts her eyes and groans in fake pain. Andrew rubs his head and says, "Yeah, I'll tell them."

Downstairs, Bree is right in the middle of telling Orson a story about refusing to buy a present for some woman's daughter's baby shower: "You know my policy: no husband, no baby gift." Bree's heart is made of generosity and nougat. Andrew tries to interrupt, but Bree chastises him and goes on with her story. Andrew is all like, okay, and he sits down and eats his pie. It kind of seems like the raw and exposed and questioning Bree of just last week is totally gone now. Don't get me wrong -- I'm glad that the old Bree is back in action -- but I wish it wasn't totally at the expense of that nascent bond she had going with Andrew last week. So Bree finishes her story, and Andrew is finally allowed to report Danielle's suicide attempt, news he delivers very casually -- so casually that it takes about ten full beats before it sinks in, and Orson and Bree leap into action. Andrew: "No rush. She's not trying that hard."

ER waiting room. Bree and Orson are pacing; Andrew is playing a Gameboy, his feet kicked up. Bree rails at him for being so unconcerned for his sister. Andrew: "She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon; how upset do you want me to be?" "Spoon"? But what about that razor blade she had sitting there? Somehow, drawing blood with a spoon sounds a lot more painful, and more work-intensive than a small slice with a razor blade. But okay, Danielle cut her wrist with a spoon. The ER doctor comes in and reports that Danielle is going to be fine: "Her wounds are fairly superficial." Andrew, cynically: "So's the patient." This time, Orson is totally not laughing along with Andrew's quipping. Not at all. The doctor mentions that, given the nature of her injuries, Danielle's now going to be required to go into counseling. Oh, and also, she's resisting a stomach pump because she says she "only took three sedatives." Andrew devilishly urges the doctor to go ahead and pump her stomach anyway, what with her being far too "disoriented" to know how many pills she really took. Bree snaps at Andrew for urging such an invasive procedure, but then she turns to the doctor and nods, "Pump her." The doctor leaves, and Bree turns on Andrew: "They're sticking tubes down her throat; do you still think this is funny?" I'm not sure why Andrew's getting all the blame here. Wasn't Bree the one who made that dismissive crack about getting paper plates? Andrew explains that Danielle was just making a "half-ass bid for attention." Bree insists it was a "cry for help." Orson stands in the corner, rubbing his head. Bree: "The next time, she might try something even more dangerous." Andrew, all scoffy: "Yeah, next time she might try jumping off the porch." And that's right about when Orson loses it, just blows his stuffing, screaming, "SUICIDE IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO A FAMILY. I WILL NOT HAVE IT MADE LIGHT OF." Andrew looks a little startled. Bree grabs Orson's arm and suggests that they all need to support each other. Then she suggests that they all head into counseling. Together. Yeah, I think Orson's head could use a little shrinking right about now. The takeaway: Orson has some terrible and intimate experience with suicide lurking in his dark past. Which means that he and Bree have one more thing in common, what with Bree's exposure to Mary Alice and George's suicides. Though I guess George's suicide was more of a bad gamble. But still.

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Desperate Housewives

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