Desperate Housewives
No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds

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No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds

Austin and Julie are lying in her bed, churning their tongues together in a circular fashion. You can tell it's Austin because he has, of course, removed his shirt. The Torso makes a move toward Julie's third base (that's South for those of you who don't play baseball), but she rebuffs him. He claims that it's totally "cool" if Julie isn't ready for sexing. The strains of "Like a Virgin" soar.

The next day, Julie is over at the Van de Hodge house, eating sundaes with Danielle and Andrew. Julie has just told them how great Austin is being upon hearing the news that her knees have been fused together by God. Andrew snorts and accuses Julie of being wildly naive: no teenaged boy is "cool" with not getting sex, so if he's saying he's fine with Julie's prudish ways, it's only because he's actually relieving his urges with someone else. Danielle (who is wearing a '70s zigzag cinch sweater in yellows, browns, and oranges that I actually kind of love), nicely comes to Julie's defense, snitting to Andrew that "not all guys pressure girls for sex." Andrew: "Yeah, gay guys don't. But Austin's not gay. Not even after three beers." Yay! Andrew leaves and Danielle gives Julie some more mom-style advice, like how Austin doesn't deserve Julie if he can't wait for sex. Julie still looks worried. Danielle: "Take it from a girl who's known at school as 'Little Miss Van de Tramp.'" Julie: "I thought you made that up?" Danielle: "Only because it was nicer than the other names they were calling me." Huh, Danielle is actually kind of likable in this scene. (Hold that thought!)

Billy Bob has talked Gabby into donating some of her old clothes to a homeless shelter. Oh man, could he be more wrong for her? He gushes about how much fun do-gooding is, but Gabby's not listening; she's too distracted watching Carlos jog by. BB and Gabby get into the car, and Gabby asks if they can stop at the florist's on the way down to the shelter: she needs to get her mother some birthday flowers. Since Gabby isn't really on flower-giving terms with her mother, this is clearly a ruse. Oh-ho, this is going to be rich.

Susan places a call to Ghostbuster Ridley. She wants to "drop a dime" on Orson. She actually says that. "Drop a dime." Ghostbuster greets this tired lingo with an exhausted, resigned sigh. That's exactly how Susan makes me feel! She tells him about how Orson was having an affair with Monique. In the middle of the call, her call waiting beeps. She clicks over and it's Bree, inviting her to a dinner party. Susan is pleasantly surprised by the olive branch, and (after clicking back and forth with Ridley a few times) she warmly accepts the invitation, saying how relieved she is to be putting their fight behind them, what a great friend Bree is, etc., etc. Then, before Bree even finishes her last sentence, Susan clicks back to Ridley again to add that Orson also spent time in an insane asylum. I'm impressed that the writers showed such restraint in this scene -- I was so sure that Susan was going to mix up her calls and ruin everything. Instead she just revealed herself to be kind of a bitch.

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Desperate Housewives

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