Desperate Housewives
No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds

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Evany: B | 1 USERS: A+
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No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds

Back inside the ice cream place. Kayla looks up to see her half-brothers all lined up. The middle one slaps his fist into his open hand all menacingly.

The doors burst open outside and the four kids spill out, Kayla screaming and all four boys yelling and tugging her toward the car. Lynette quietly opens the back door to the car and the kids all file in.

Julie and some guy are having their own picnic out in the Wisteria Lane park, only it's at night, and there's no food, and it's a lot more...horizontal. I think it's Austin, only I'm confused. This young gentleman is wearing a shirt AND a jacket. Austin? Is that you? I almost can't recognize you unless your head's perched atop two nipples surrounded by three square feet of ultra-tan plastic Ken doll skin. But yes, sigh, it is Austin. After some heavy breathing and moist smacking, Austin's hand wanders down to Julie's second base(s) and fumbles around with the buttons of her blouse for a few seconds. Then he sighs and sits up. Julie is puzzled. Austin: "It's getting late, I got your blouse unbuttoned. That's usually when we call it a night." Oh but not tonight! Julie asks him if he actually wants to call it a night? Austin, confused, wonders if she's thinking "pizza." Julie gives him a coquettish look and then starts in with the frenching again. Oh she wants pizza alright, if by "pizza" Austin means "exploring the pubic triangle." And...pop goes Julie's virginity! I'm actually kind of pleasantly surprised that they opted to keep this event so low-key. I was sure we'd have to sit through months and months of hand- and gut-wrenching before we got Julie's hymen out of the way. And queue the "Cherry Pie" anthem.

Mike is eating lunch down at the big house. A tattooed man from central casting (bald, goatee, tattoos everywhere including that tear at the corner of the eye) questions Mike about the nature of the deed that won him a spot at the table. Mike explains that he actually can't remember, and Inmate Man nods knowingly; he's impressed by the ingenuity of Mike's "fresh approach," though he isn't sure the "jury's going to swallow it." The focus on the camera shifts to reveal the man sitting at the table behind Mike. Why it's CreePaul! Even though I think CreePaul should be in prison and Mike should be in regular old county jail while he's awaiting trial? But okay, Fairview rules: the two fathers of Zana (remember him) are both in the very same "lock up." And here's what CreePaul says: "I believe you."

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Desperate Housewives

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