Kayla comes to live with the Scavo brood, but now suddenly she's this heinous snot, apparently because she blames Lynette for her mother's death. Gabby is still dating that guy (the dad of the uppity pre-teen beauty pageant girl), even though they don't seem to have much in common: he likes brainy documentaries and pudding picnics, she's obsessed with weirdo silver leather space jackets. But when an anonymous admirer sends Gabby a basket full of roses and she becomes obsessed with trying to prove that Carlos is the one who sent them, the new boyfriend dumps Gabby. Holy Virgin Julie is worried that she'll lose Austin if she keeps refusing to go all the way, so -- with a shocking lack of fanfare -- she gives it up and Austin slides on in to home. But it turns out she's not the only tour stopping in Austin: that Danielle Van De Tramp (hey, she gave herself the name) is sleeping with him, too. Susan, despite last episode's promise that she'd never see Mike again, goes to visit Mike down at the jailhouse (where, by the way, CreePaul makes an appearance as a fellow inmate in orange), but only to tell him about how she's managed to get him a lawyer and also how she can't see him anymore because it makes Ian is jealous. Of course Ian finds out about the visit and pitches a fit. Susan does some screeching about "trust" and "love." At the word "love," Ian melts and starts kissing Susan all up in her neck, causing Susan to writhe and make noises of arousal, causing me to writhe and make noises of "eek." Alma shows up at Bree's doorstep with some story about how she's been living off the grid in Winnipeg this whole time, knowing that her suspicious disappearance would be blamed on Orson, all out of revenge for Orson's affair with Monique. Bree invites Alma over to a dinner party so she can rub Susan's nosy nose in the fact that Orson's clearly not a wife-murderer. Fur flies, and Bree and Susan are now Best Friends For-NEVER. Oh and also, Alma buys a house on Wisteria Lane. And she has some sort of hypo-freaky mystery thing going on, what with her self-injecting some unknown substance directly into her thigh. Insulin? Heroin? Fertility drugs? The antidote to some poison she plans to administer to Bree? A survival fluid that lets mortals breath in the alien air of Fairview? Redhead juice? Botox? I DON'T KNOW!
Previously on Desperate Housewives: all the stuff we learned in the last episode (Mike got arrested for murdering Monique, Susan promised Ian she'd stop seeing Mike, Alma's back), also Lynette promised dying Snora that she'd look after daughter Kayla.
Okay, so we start off with Mary Alice unraveling that whole "Orson was an abusive, obsessively compulsed husband" story she told us back in the first episode of the season. Now she's retelling it to us from an entirely different point of view.
This time around, we discover that Alma "tricked" Orson into marrying her by getting pregnant, an assertion that MA supports with some footage of a pregnantly-plump Alma all done up like a bride, flanked by the glum-looking groom, Orson. Mama Hodge is also there, looking thrilled. MA tells us that Alma hoped that Orson's feelings for her would grow over time, but then there was some sort of miscarriage, and "Alma found herself married to a man who seemed to despise her."
And now we get the same footage from the first go-round: Alma doing some darning and telling Baby the parrot how much she loves him. Only this time, Alma notices there's lipstick on the collar of the shirt she's fixing. Orson was having an affair! MA: "Alma realized the only way to get her husband to appreciate her was to leave him. Immediately." Is that scientifically proven? I hadn't heard that. So then we get the same scenes of Alma frantically packing up her bags and running all over the house, and then screaming at an escaped Baby (with far more urgency than the moment now calls for, seen from this perspective) to get back in his cage. I'm not sure why "Operation Appreciation" had to be slapped together with such abruptness. Certainly someone who had the wherewithal to create a pregnancy trap could also spend a little time crafting her departure? Anyway, so Orson comes home unexpectedly (there's the unplanned bird guano on his sleeve, if you remember), and he catches Alma standing in the living room with her bags all packed. He says, "Going somewhere?" in a way that is now supposed to be seen as "puzzled yet amused," where in the first telling, came off as "profoundly menacing." Alma defiantly explains that she's leaving to spend the night in a motel, news Orson receives with bored calm -- clearly not the uproar Alma was hoping for. Alma runs after him to give him the explanations he never asked for: she's leaving because he's cheating on her! Orson, bored: "Ah, I see." Alma: "Aren't you even going to deny it?" Orson: "On the contrary, I want to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! For the first time in my life, I'm actually in love." In love with someone else, that is. Orson, looking like a huge burden had been lifted, skips out the door, leaving a distraught and confused Alma in his wake. MA: "It was at that moment Alma realized it wasn't enough to leave her husband. He had to be punished."