Welcome to the episode of suffering, everybody! Susan can't get her fire insurance money until she proves Edie is the arsonist who burned the Mayer home to the ground, so she confronts Edie while wearing a wire. Edie gleefully furnishes Susan with a confession, but then Susan's twitchy behavior tips Edie off to the presence of the bug. Susan makes a run for it, and Edie gives chase. They tussle in the park, and a hive of angry yellow jackets is roused. Cut to Edie lying in the hospital, her face a Raging Bull of stings, her body swollen to super-size. Susan, whom for some reason escaped the wrath of the hornets, stops by and gamely offers not to give Edie's confession to the cops if Edie will just state for the record that she saw like a random hobo or whatever start the fire. But Edie refuses: she'd rather go down for arson than help Susan in any way, shape, form. Bree can't sleep ever since she gave Andrew the boot, and her haunted sleeplessness culminates in a horrifying meltdown right in the middle of Danielle's birthday party. Danielle runs crying to Matthew and discovers that he's been locked up in the basement, so she clocks Betty with a tire iron and together she and Matthew run far, far away. Danielle's goodbye note isn't exactly the nicest (it bluntly blames Bree for everything), and it sends Bree straight to the nuthatch, where she politely checks herself in for observation. Suspicious Lynette follows Tom when he leaves on another one of his Atlantic City business trips. And her suspicions are richly rewarded: she sees Tom go to another woman's home, drink wine with the woman, and then suggestively head upstairs with the woman. When Tom returns from his trip, he discovers that Lynette's made good on her long-ago promise to take the kids and leave if she ever caught him cheating. Felicia finally makes her big move with CreePaul; armed with a stockpile of her own her blood plus two of her own fingers (I know), she stages her own murder scene at the Young house and neatly traps CreePaul in a tight little frame-up. Xiao Mei the Money is officially pregnant, and Carlos jumps to pamper her: he takes over Money's house work, he makes Gabby stop wearing perfume or scented beauty products because they make Money barf, and then he gives Money the master bedroom. Gabby is not amused, so she Money-bombs the bedroom by spraying the walls, floor, furniture, and bed with of all her most scented scents, and Money is forced to move back to her old room. Carlos is not amused, and he heads out for a night on the couch, where he finds a sexy Money waiting with a sympathetic bare shoulder and a sexy roast beef sandwich. And cue the plucky and delightful "cheating Gabby is in danger of an ironic comeuppance (in the form of Carlos cheating with the secretly sexy and now-pregnant maid)" music!
Previously: oh, just all the heartache (Bree breaks up with Andrew), and betrayal (Betty discovers Matthew set up Caleb to be put to sleep), and betrayal (sadly, what happened in Atlantic City did not stay in Atlantic City for Tom), and betrayal (Susan confesses her affair with Karl to Edie), and betrayal (Edie torches Susan's house) from last week.
We open on Susan's blackened home. Susan unburies that famous cheery photo of the Ladies (Bree, Gabby, Lynette, MA, and Susan all smiling, arm in arm) and lovingly brushes away the soot. MAVO tells us that Susan has always believed that there's one silver lining to life's big, tragic events: you find out who your friends are. We flash back on Bree serving a tearful Susan a tray of homemade cookies after Susan's grandmother died. MAVO: "And when the critics panned [Susan's] third book [because critics love playing the heavy with children's book illustrators?], it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur." We see a similarly teary Susan, sitting on the exact same couch, but this time, the comfort of cookies has been replaced by a swarthy man in a wife-beater who is precariously perched on the arm of the sofa and giving Susan's stooped shoulders an awkward and a seemingly very un-relaxing rubdown. Next, we see Susan sitting on her crying couch on the eve of her divorce finalization, and this time it's Lynette who administers Susan's salve: a very stiff scotch. Back in the charred house now, MAVO notes that Susan's friends are once again front and center to help her "pick up the pieces." Bree, Lynette, and Gabby come up to Susan, and together they insist that Susan move in with Bree for a spell, what with Bree having extra room since Andrew's departure. Susan, gratefully: "I don't deserve friends like you." Lynette, sarcastically: "We're aware of that." The ladies chuckle. Just then, Kyle McOrsonlin emerges from the wreckage and says something inane to Susan (while Mike looks up from his cinder sorting to eye him suspiciously) about needing more trash bags. Wait, so the ominous random dentist is in this scene, and yet Julie is completely MIA? Way to shoehorn a random minor character into the mix while completely overlooking a main player who really should be on site, processing her losses. But okay, let's just say that Julie's at school, or flapping her angel wings down at the local soup kitchen, or living on Karl's houseboat or wherever it is that he lives now that he broke up with Edie. (And while we're cataloging the MIA, where's Hempy in this episode? Or, at the very least, where's the scene that shows Bree getting a new sponsor? Or is Bree's alcoholism MIA now, too?)