Previously: oh, just all the heartache (Bree breaks up with Andrew), and betrayal (Betty discovers Matthew set up Caleb to be put to sleep), and betrayal (sadly, what happened in Atlantic City did not stay in Atlantic City for Tom), and betrayal (Susan confesses her affair with Karl to Edie), and betrayal (Edie torches Susan's house) from last week.
We open on Susan's blackened home. Susan unburies that famous cheery photo of the Ladies (Bree, Gabby, Lynette, MA, and Susan all smiling, arm in arm) and lovingly brushes away the soot. MAVO tells us that Susan has always believed that there's one silver lining to life's big, tragic events: you find out who your friends are. We flash back on Bree serving a tearful Susan a tray of homemade cookies after Susan's grandmother died. MAVO: "And when the critics panned [Susan's] third book [because critics love playing the heavy with children's book illustrators?], it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur." We see a similarly teary Susan, sitting on the exact same couch, but this time, the comfort of cookies has been replaced by a swarthy man in a wife-beater who is precariously perched on the arm of the sofa and giving Susan's stooped shoulders an awkward and a seemingly very un-relaxing rubdown. Next, we see Susan sitting on her crying couch on the eve of her divorce finalization, and this time it's Lynette who administers Susan's salve: a very stiff scotch. Back in the charred house now, MAVO notes that Susan's friends are once again front and center to help her "pick up the pieces." Bree, Lynette, and Gabby come up to Susan, and together they insist that Susan move in with Bree for a spell, what with Bree having extra room since Andrew's departure. Susan, gratefully: "I don't deserve friends like you." Lynette, sarcastically: "We're aware of that." The ladies chuckle. Just then, Kyle McOrsonlin emerges from the wreckage and says something inane to Susan (while Mike looks up from his cinder sorting to eye him suspiciously) about needing more trash bags. Wait, so the ominous random dentist is in this scene, and yet Julie is completely MIA? Way to shoehorn a random minor character into the mix while completely overlooking a main player who really should be on site, processing her losses. But okay, let's just say that Julie's at school, or flapping her angel wings down at the local soup kitchen, or living on Karl's houseboat or wherever it is that he lives now that he broke up with Edie. (And while we're cataloging the MIA, where's Hempy in this episode? Or, at the very least, where's the scene that shows Bree getting a new sponsor? Or is Bree's alcoholism MIA now, too?)
Enter Bud Penrod (played by Hey! It's That Guy! Stephen Tobolowsky) of Town and Country Insurance, the "Can Do" people. He looks at Susan's demolished house and hilariously comments, "Well that's no fun at all, is it?" Susan ruefully agrees, and then asks how long she'll have to wait for her check. According to Bud, the fire department has ruled the incident as arson, so her claim is going to be held up until the police figure out who's responsible. And really, do you blame Susan's insurance people for being a little cagey? After all, her house has been deliberately licked with flames (at least) once before. Bud and Susan go back and forth about who might hate Susan enough to do such a thing. Susan draws a complete blank, insisting that she's universally loved in Fairview. Why, the entire neighborhood is there trying to help Susan put the cinders of her slashed and burned life back together again! And yet...what about the spurned little doctor Ron? Or Susan's bio-father's wife, the one who spray-painted Susan's garage with foot-high letters that spelled out "WHORE"? Or Susan's ex-agent, whom she rejected and deserted when he was at his very lowest? Or hey, what about the paperboy, who probably still hasn't recovered after his heinous Susan-caused crash? Conveniently forgetting all these injured parties, Susan continues to insist that she's totally popular. But then she spies Edie, who's standing across the street in an outfit of head-to-toe pink with not a smudge of neighborly soot to be found. Not only is Edie not helping out Susan out, she's showily sucking on a phallic and also outfit-matching popsicle (one of those pink and yellow sherbet Missile pops) with suspiciously carefree glee. A look of grim understanding passes across Susan's face, and cue the abbreviated title sequence (sigh).