Desperate Housewives
No One Is Alone

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No One Is Alone

(And goodbye to Mr. Penrod! It's a lovely and all-too-brief visit from the Tobolowsky, but fear not, we'll be able to get our Tobolowsky fix soon enough in National Lampoon's Totally Baked: A Potumentary, due out later this year.)

MAVO welcomes us back with a trilling speech about the life of yellow jackets -- how some of them yearn to fly free of the hive and "leave the stress and noise of constant companionship behind them," only to discover "how dangerous it is to be alone in the world." Over the desperate strains of "Pointed Analogy" music, the camera follows a solo CGI yellow jacket as it flies to its doom under the grinding toe of Felicia -- who, as you'll discover before this night is through, is even crazier than everybody thought (and we all thought she was pretty crazy to begin with).

After demolishing the CGI yellow jacket, Felicia looks up and notices that Zana is taking out the trash. This, it seems, is exactly the distraction Felicia's been waiting for (even though taking out the trash takes, what, all of twenty seconds?); she hastily tiptoes across their backyards, through the Youngs' back door, and into the kitchen. Felicia opens some cupboards, sorts through some drawers (Zana isn't back yet? Really?), and then...bingo! She opens another set of cupboards, and there they are: the keys for the Youngs' SUV, the pool house, the house itself -- all clearly labeled and hanging neatly on a row of pegs. I have no idea why Felicia was so sure she'd find such a boon (and I grew up in suburbia), but it is lucky for her that she did, because in walks CreePaul. Felicia grabs a bag of flour and heads for the front door, and CreePaul shouts at her that he's going to call the cops. Felicia, breezily, creepily: "No need! I just needed to borrow a little flour. I'm a little bit psychic, and I predict fresh-baked cookies in your future!" She turns and leaves just as Zana returns, finally, from his epic trash-removal journey. CreePaul snaps at Zana to grab some trash bags: they're going to toss out all their food. Zana: "You think she was trying to poison us?" CreePaul: "All I know is we're eating out tonight."

Edie is up on a ladder, changing a light bulb on her front stoop, when Susan shrugs her way up. "I apologize in advance for how this is going to sound," Susan stutters, "but by any chance, did you burn down my house?" Edie, a glorious vision of pink with hand on hip, simply says, "Yes." Susan is aghast. Susan is confused! By way of clarification, Edie calls Susan a "sleazy little whore." Susan is still confused! So Edie patronizingly directs Susan to the "acid" letter that she sent, in which Susan confessed to sleeping with Karl. Susan: "You weren't supposed to get that; I stole that back from the mailman!" Oh, Susan. So now Edie's doubly mad, what with Susan not only sleeping with Karl, but then also admitting to trying to cover it up. Susan tries to direct the conversation back to how Edie "maliciously set fire" to Susan's house. Edie admits that she might have "overreacted a tad." Susan, wailing and flapping: "You can't just go around burning down people's homes!" Edie: "Why not? You burnt down my home, you stole Mike from me, you slept with my fiancé. That's the trifecta! You're lucky I didn't torch your car." All good points...except for that Mike part. Since when did Mike ever belong to Edie? Susan says that she's going to call the cops, and Edie's all, "And tell them what?" It's not like anyone heard her confess just now -- it'll be Edie's word against Susan's. And in that matchup, my money's on Edie, considering Susan's history of failed attempts at getting the police to believer her.

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Desperate Housewives

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