Desperate Housewives
No One Is Alone

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No One Is Alone

With a rhythm that perfectly synchs with the balloon popping, we transition to Matthew, who's banging on the dungeon door at the exact same tempo. Nicely done! Matthew is thirsty and begging for water. Betty sits outside the door, silently listening to his pleas. Matthew yells and bangs a while longer, then, in defeat, he asks, in a subdued quiet voice, "You want me to say I set Caleb up? Yeah, I did." He tearfully says that it was just that he couldn't stop thinking about "all those years" they spent looking after Caleb, and how he just wanted a "normal life." Matthew sniffles and "sorry"s and begs. Betty stonily shakes her head, and then she turns and hits the door with enough force to make Matthew jump. Betty: "You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without a reason. That's an unforgivable betrayal. I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there, because if I let you out, I don't know what I might do to you." And the "Mommy Dearest" music soars!

Susan goes over to Mike's house for a lesson in personal wire-tapping. Because what plumber doesn't know how to get the goods on tape? He explains the basics, and then he gingerly lifts up her shirt to tape the equipment onto her body, thereby revealing Susan's disturbingly age-inappropriate navel ring, desperately clinging to the unwholesome perch of her 2% body fat. They make uncomfortable small talk, and Susan explains this is all so she can get the proof the insurance company needs, get on with her life, and avoid "overstay[ing her] welcome" over at Bree's, where "things are sort of weird." So of course, Mike offers to let her and Julie move in with him. Susan's all, but what about that girl you're dating, the one you took to the movies, and he's all, that was just a "one-time thing," and then he asks about Orson, whom Susan claims is nothing but her friend, and blah, blah, blah. And now suddenly I'm confused again: why was she all sexy-feeding him store-bought pie last week if she wasn't sure he was dating another woman. Sigh.

Down at the airport, Mrs. McCluskey is telling Lynette not to worry, and that she'll be keeping the four Ps safe while Lynette goes off to stalk Tom. Mrs. McC, by the way, is wearing a charmingly whimsical coat of pale, pale blue covered in ghostly white clouds. Heads up to all of you desperate geography students: according to Lynette, stalking to the "Always Turned On" Atlantic City requires a trip all the way "across the country" (meaning the fair state of Eagle is on the left coast). Also of note: apparently Fairview is big enough to warrant an airport sizable enough to require a whole bank of Arrival and Departure monitors. Lynette panics that maybe she's doing the wrong thing, stalking her husband; maybe she should "look the other way": "Lots of women can do that!" Mrs. McC: "But we both know that you're not one of them." Lynette, worried and scared, asks what she's actually going to do if she finds out her suspicions are true. Mrs. McC puts her hand on Lynette's cheek and calmly informs her that Mrs. McC owns a gun. Not to mention a taser And make way for the oboe, which toots the merry toot of the "elderly murderous eccentric (in coat of clouds)." Wow, Mrs. McC and Lynette make an awesome allegiance.

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Desperate Housewives




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