At Bree's urging, Orson orders Alma off Wisteria Lane. But Alma isn't budging: She wants him back! And here's her idiotic plan to win him over: Gloria told her about what he "did to Monique," and also that he ran over Mike, and she's going to tell Bree everything unless Orson lets her stay and wait for him to love her. (I know, dumbest plan ever.) Later, Bree herself tells Alma to heed Orson's request to get off the Lane, and Alma pretends that Orson never asked her to leave, thereby planting a seed of doubt in Bree's already-suspicious mind. Alma conveniently wanders off to go help the movers place a small side table. Alone in Alma's kitchen, Bree overhears Baby the parrot, which for some miraculous reason has found its way home to Alma, deliver the line that Alma's trained him to say: "Don't tell Bree!" (As in, the bird overheard some plotting between Orson and Alma.) Bree is upset. Bree drops her glass of lemonade. Bree searches for a dustpan and discovers a trick floorboard, which conceals a photo of Orson and Monique and a bag full of bloody teeth. Final shot: Bree, confused and alone, clutching her collection of teeth. Mike gets attacked by two prison thugs and CreePaul comes running to the rescue. Mike is eternally grateful until a guard tips him to the fact that CreePaul actually paid the thugs to attack him. Final shot: Mike, confused and alone, clutching a sharpened toothbrush. Julie tries to tell Susan that she wants to go on the pill, but Susan gets so freaked out that Julie asks Edie to pose as her mother so she can get the prescription. Susan finds the pills, calls the doctor, discovers what Edie did, and races over to Edie's house to do some of her patented screeching. As Susan is busy giving Edie an earful, she gets an eyeful of topless Austin and Little Miss Van de Tramp making out on Edie's couch. Later, Susan sadly, gently tells Julie about two-timing Austin. Julie cries and cries. Tom needs all the residents on the block to sign a petition before he can get a liquor license for the pizzeria, and Lynette sweet talks the last remaining holdout by flashing the guy her special toppings (by which I mean her breasts). Gabby's secret admirer turns out to be Zana; Zana, who is now the proud owner of a disturbingly luxurious head of hair. So much hair!
Previously: Tom had a dream -- a dream of opening a pizza parlor; Monique was found dead and toothless; plus there was all the dirty dirt from last week (Gabby has a stalker, Alma bought a house on the Lane, Mike ran into CreePaul in prison, and Julie messed with Texas).
This week's theme, as announced by Mary Alice, is all about protection. We start off with a montage of all the Housewives watching some (apparently non-significant, plot-wise) news story about rioting. MA tells us how much "average housewives" worry: they carry pepper spray, they prop baseball bats up by the door, they invest in spendy alarm systems. And suburban housewives aren't the only ones who worry. Why, prison inmates worry, too. We see Mike grinding the end of a toothbrush down to a sharp point so that he can, as MA tells us, "go about his day feeling safe and protected." But despite his orally hygienic precautions, Mike still runs into trouble: he's pumping iron out in the yard when two inmates wander over and start kicking his ass. Mike drops his totally lethal and intimidating barbell and goes for the little pointy toothbrush he's got stashed in his sock. The thugs, no surprise, are not thwarted by the sight of his toothbrush, even after he manages to scratch one of them with it. Mike looks poised for some serious damage when in swoops CreePaul, who whoops the two assailants without even breaking a sweat; prison, it seems, has transformed CreePaul into some kind of super ninja karate hero man. The ruffians turn tail, and Mike (who, as MA pointed out in the previouslies, doesn't even know who CreePaul is, because their whole relationship actually falls inside Mike's two-year memory blackout) turns his doe eyes onto CreePaul and gratefully declares that he is now in CreePaul's debt, to which CreePaul readily, hungrily agrees. MA: "Yes, we all need protection from those who would do us harm. And, sometimes, from those who protect us." Later, we see the two thugs standing around in some corridor. CreePaul appears and does a Big Man On Campus strut up the hallway, flicking them some cash as he passes by. That's right: he staged the whole thing. I wonder, do prisoners often get free rein of prison buildings like that? And also? Again I ask why it is that Mike, who still has yet to be convicted of a crime, is serving hard time in the big house alongside these orange-suited convicts? And the "You Can't Trust Anyone, Not Even the Writers On This Show" music swells.