Desperate Housewives
Not While I'm Around

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Not While I'm Around

Lynette is bitching to Mrs. McCluskey about Tom's withholding information from her, especially when it concerns their life savings-sucking restaurant. Mrs. McC advises Lynette to help Tom without letting him know that she's helping, thereby letting him keep his "cojones" intact. Lynette acknowledges the genius that is Mrs. McC with a sideways look that says, "Mrs. McC, you are a genius."

And back to the Hair Apparent. Zana, it seems, is in the throes of what I presume is some kind of sad attempt to redo his high-school history, this time as one of the popular, sexually active kids. Someone like, say, John the Gardener? I don't really know for sure: I actually had trouble following what he was saying in this scene because my brain kept getting lost in the forest of his locks. I do know that he cited Gabby's affair with John, specifically that Zana himself is two months older than The Gardener, meaning that he knows chicken-hawking hasn't been a problem for Gabby in the past. And yet? Gabby tells Zana that John was a mistake -- that it was nothing but loneliness that drove her to him. Zana points out that Gabby's surely lonely now, with Carlos gone. Plus now Zana has the green to take care of Gabby in high style. Gabby: "Who says I need someone to take care of me?" Zana heartlessly explains that the whole neighborhood thinks Gabby only stayed with mean old Carlos because she needed someone to lean on. The "Plucky Lady" music thumps into life, and Gabby says, "Well, they were wrong." She gets up to leave, and Zana tells her that he's "not going to give up." Gabby clucks, "Oh, sweetie, I wish you would." And then she plants a motherly kiss on Zana's forehead. He grabs her and sucks her into a creepy and profoundly unsexy forced kiss, and she whaps him on the arm with her purse, huffing, "Don't hijack a Ferrari if you don't know how to drive." Gabby stomps off, and Zana sits there, looking waspish. Uh oh. Something tells me that Zana isn't going to be the greatest at handling rejection. Remember how he freaked out on Julie? And now he's proved himself capable of murder, not to mention beating a woman with a hockey stick. Gabby had better check herself before she...finds herself at the bottom of a skanky well, rubbing lotion all over her overly tanned hide.

And while we're talking about retina-scarring May-December encounters: Lynette arrives at the door of the last remaining liquor license holdout. It's Harry Gaunt, played by Richard Herd, an actor who has been in every single television show ever made, so you've seen him before for sure; he's basically a poor man's Karl Malden. Mr. Gaunt immediately reveals himself to be a bit of a perv, all "I always have time for a pretty girl" and then staring at Lynette's cleavage, which, to be fair, is on pretty high alert in this scene. Gaunt blusters that he doesn't want a bunch of "noisy jackasses puking on [his] doorstep," a scenario he's convinced a liquor license will bring, and Lynette does a weird sort of Marilyn Monroe half-moan, "Cummmawwwwnnn," leaning over and giving him a nice view of the promised land. But he keeps his heels dug in, and his eyes on her prize(s). Lynette calls him on his ogling, actually clicking at him like she's signaling a horse. Harry: "I know, I don't mean to be rude. It's just that my showgirl days are a while ago and I can't remember the last time I laid eyes on a beautiful woman's bosom." Lynette, with the "Let's Make A Deal" harpsichord swelling underneath: "Really? Well, what if I were to very briefly refresh your memory?" She drops the petition down in front of Gaunt. Cut to...

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Desperate Housewives

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