Desperate Housewives
Not While I'm Around

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Not While I'm Around

Speaking of grand openings: we picket-fence-pan over to the Mayer home, where Julie (she of the so recently opened opening) and Austin are chatting about the effectiveness of various birth-control methods. Now that they're engaging in sexual congress, sensible Julie wants to get herself directly onto the Pill. Unfortunately, it seems that, in the Eagle state, a girl of the tender age of "under eighteen" needs parental consent to get a prescription, and Austin isn't exactly thrilled about taking the question to Susan. Just then, the devil of whom they speak walks in, and those two crazy, sexually active kids do the very worst job ever of pretending they weren't talking about something juicy. So sly Susan pretends to head up the stairs, but then she creeps back down on her belly, army-obstacle-course-style, to try to get an earful of what they so obviously don't want her to hear. Susan manages to overhear Julie saying "condoms are only 80% effective," but then Susan's hands slip, and she bumps and grinds down the stairs. You see Susan's patented "whoops" face the whole way down, so it's definitely not a stunt double, and the thought of hardwood stairs + Teri Hatcher's .00007% body fat, which would provide zero padding = me cringing over the thought of her blackened hipbones. Seriously, I'm surprised that it didn't ignite a fire, rubbing two sticks of wood together like that. Julie goes racing over to see if her mother's okay. Susan leaps up and fabricates some fantastically dumb excuse about how she was just looking for an earring, which Julie immediately exposes as a lie by pointing out the two earrings Susan is clearly still wearing. Susan, absently feeling her ears: "Oh. I found it." Idiot. Then again, why is Julie, who's supposed to be the smart one, babbling about condoms before she's absolutely sure her mother's out of earshot? When I was a teenager, I wouldn't have talked about my sex life within twenty MILES of my mother, let alone in the same house. Susan asks Austin to leave, and then she unloads all over Julie, freaking out about that tiny bit of "condoms" that she overheard, screeching that sex isn't "fun and games, it's dangerous" -- why, it can give you terrible infections: "Do you want it to burn when you pee? SEX KILLS!" Julie, who seems to have picked up on the fact that her mother isn't really capable of rational thought when it comes to the topic of sex and her daughter (or, let's face it, any other topic), opts for a big, fat lie: she tells Susan that she and Austin are not, in fact, doing the Funky Cold Medina, and all that condom talk was about some other slutty couple at school, a couple too dim to know that condoms are "only 85% effective." Susan is proud of her statistic-wild, goody-goody daughter.

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Desperate Housewives

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