Desperate Housewives
Not While I'm Around

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Not While I'm Around

And over to Bree. Her hair is so insanely curled up at the ends that I can't help thinking it's another tactic in the "Hey! Eyes Up Here!" campaign to distract us from Marcia Cross's hugely pregnant belly. So she's getting groceries out of her trunk when she spies Alma and Edie coming out of the old Applewhite house across the street. A look of panic creeps across Bree's face, and she waddles over find out what's going on. Alma, with medicated glee, coos to her new best friend Bree that she's gone and bought the house. Where did she get the money for such a fat purchase? Bree is crestfallen. Though, in the interest of full disclosure, I should also point out that Bree's disappointment could just as easily have been triggered by Edie's ridiculous hair-extension stripper ponytail thing, which is very, very Karen Walker. My god, has Operation Eyes Off The Bump gotten so out of control that it's spread to the heads of other characters? Alma does some more gushing about how thrilled she is to be Bree's neighbor. Bree can't contain her chagrin, and lets out a shocked "No!," which causes Alma's smile to evaporate. Bree tries to cover by pretending that she's just concerned about Alma moving into a house where so much bad stuff has happened. Didn't Edie tell her? The previous owners were "harboring a murderer." Edie, in full-on real estate agent mode: "It was her son. Say what you like, [Betty] was a great mom." Bree dishes about the fully functional dungeon in the basement, and the haunted "groans" people supposedly hear coming from the house. Edie, whispering: "There's going to be groans coming from your house if you don't zip it." But Edie has nothing to worry about: Alma sunnily declares that's it's "too late." She's there to stay. Besides, Alma says, all that "haunted house stuff" is "silly: people don't come back from the dead." Bree to Edie: "Don't I wish." Take that, Alma! No wait, what? Bree wishes...what, that dead people would remain dead? By which I guess she means Alma? But Alma never actually died. I mean, everyone thought she was dead, but she was just in Winnipeg. Yeah, that line doesn't really work.

Casa Van de Meltdown. Bree is yelling at Orson and fiendishly kneading some dough, and her hair is all coming down and she looks totally nuts. Bree's current issues with Orson include: the fact that he hasn't spoken to Alma yet about how she positivolutely can not live on Wisteria Lane; the fact that Alma keeps showing up on their doorstep like Bree is "hosting some kind of Mormon slumber party"; the fact that Orson got hauled off to the police station yet again -- you know, all the usual marital misunderstandings. Orson, holding Bree's hands so that she can't continue to violently assault the dough: "Darling, I swear to you I will get Alma out of that house. I don't care if I have to live up to my reputation and strangle her." Bree is relieved.

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Desperate Housewives

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