Desperate Housewives

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The Ladies are back, and maybe it's my new gigantic black highly high-definition television (a.k.a. The Death Star, a.k.a. the Black Hole, a.k.a. the Widowmaker), but they're not looking so hot.

Lynette, for one, is going through chemo, which means the make-up people have gone to town with the sallow face, raccoon-eye makeup, and the sheen of nausea sweat, and the too-big bald head that clearly hides the bulk of her real hair. Bree is still wearing that dumb faux-bump (but I'll forgive it since it bought Marcia Cross a few extra months to shed her own real-life pregnancy swell). Susan is very, very tan and she's got that deathly hollow between her knockers -- that scooped-out hole that looks like someone put their thumb into wet clay, which some women get when they need to eat more or, at the very least, wear fewer dresses with plunging necklines. Gabby, however, is looking very pretty (sleeping with your ex-husband -- the man you cheated on because he wasn't paying enough attention to you -- because your current husband isn't paying enough attention to you can do that do a girl). And Edie, who of course is still alive -- was anyone fooled by that season finale cliffHANGer? -- is looking a little stiff-necked (staging your own suicide but then screwing up the timing so you nearly break your own neck can do that to a girl) but ultimately pretty hot, though the manipulative neediness she demonstrates in this episode completely nullifies any attractiveness she once had.

But I get ahead of myself.

So here's what happened with Edie: Basically, she just tore a page from psychotic pharmacist George's playbook and that psychotic rapist Alma and staged her own suicide with hopes of guilting Carlos into loving her, a genius man-trap of an idea that I hear Dr. Phil really recommends. Her plan was to wait until Carlos was already inside the house before she commenced with the hanging, but it almost backfires when Carlos is diverted by Mrs. McCluskey, who comes barging in, yelling about how Edie's trashcans are still out on the street three days after trash day, or whatever. But they notice Edie's lifeless form swinging in the window, and Carlos darts upstairs and cuts Edie down using the scissors she so thoughtfully left out for him. Mary Alice, winsomely: "Of course, had he know what she was about to do to his life, he would have let her hang there."

Down at the hospital, Bree, Lynette, and Susan rush in and ask Carlos if he thinks they should interrupt Gabby on her wedding night with the tragic news of Edie's near-death. Carlos does an "oh shit" take and races off to go call Gabby, who's sitting in her gigantic closet, surrounded by luggage, with Victor banging on the door all in a fever to consummate.

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Desperate Housewives

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