Turns out Gabby and Carlos were scheduled to run away together tonight -- we see their runaway plans get laid in a flashback to the wedding from earlier in the day (and it turns out that cunning linguistic scene you thought you saw in the previews of Carlos emerging out from under Gabby's skirts and then commenting on her lack of underwear was really just Carlos hiding from Victor, wah-wahhh). But Carlos can't meet Gabby tonight, re: Edie's suicide attempt. Gabby pouts and threatens to try to work it out with Victor.
Susan gives Mike one of her patented homemade cards to celebrate both their one-month anniversary and this show's complete lack of time-continuity (didn't their spontaneous wedding happen the night after Gabby's wedding?). Susan asks Mike if he's happy, and when he tells her he sure is, she pouts that she doesn't believe him.
Bree and Andrew have a refreshing talk where he very sanely points out how insane she's being with this whole pregnancy ruse. He points out that it's no longer the '50s and that teenagers get pregnant all the time and it isn't really worth hiding anymore, and he basically articulates all the things I shouted at the television at the end of last season. Bree gets off two good lines in the exchange. One: she vindictively tells him, "I'll remember this the next time you want money for leather pants!" (Because Andrew's gay? And the gays love leather?) And two, in reference to the endless scandal that the Van de Hodges have already been through in the past season: "We might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!"
Lynette is hiding her cancer from her kids, and from all her friends, and from a horrible pesky nag from the PTA, because she doesn't want people's pity or whatever. And she is hiding this awful secret under a totally unbelievable wig that she tries to improve with bobby pins stuck in at strange angles. Basically, it's like Transamerica all over again, and I don't see how it could fool anyone, but I guess it helps that all the other Wisterians are too preoccupied with their own problems to notice anything.
Gabby comes home to her house and finds Victor there, talking to his real estate agent about selling Gabby's house, seeing as they're now married and she has his 10,000-square-foot bachelor pad to skank up with her Warhol knockoffs. She pitches a minor fit, but when he asks her what she's waiting for, she forlornly says she's "not waiting for anything." Take that, Carlos. But then Victor goes in for a kiss and Gabby sidesteps him, ostensibly to take a closer look at the moving van she just spotted pulling in front of the house across the street.