Kissing, so much kissing this week! Bree (who maybably has a drinking problem now?) spots Andrew and Justin exchanging a goodnight buss out in front of the house. Scandalized, Bree tells Andrew he can't be gay under her roof, so he threatens to tell the police how Bree let George die. Bree consults lawyer Karl, who sits Andrew down and explains that letting someone die is not a crime, so Andrew threatens to spill the story to the neighbors. Karl sends Bree out of the room and then gets all up in Andrew's face, threatening to inflict some bodily injury if Andrew doesn't start treating his mother with "respect." Aw! Meanwhile Gabby frenches Mr. Mom Tom at a neighborhood party as a light-hearted demonstration of how cheerleaders (Gabby) really felt about band geeks (Tom) back in high school. An under-amused Lynette confronts Gabby, and petulance is exchanged. Later, Lynette gives Gabby a taste of her own French medicine by making out HARD with Carlos. Gabby is all "point taken," and the matter seems resolved, except that Carlos -- whom Gabby has unwisely instructed to go out and "even the score" (re: her cheating with Gardener John, remember that?) by scoring with another woman -- now thinks that maybe he and Lynette should sex it up. But Lynette's Charmin? Is Tom's and Tom's alone to squeeze. Meanwhile, PI Ironside breaks into the Applewrongs' house and tries to extract Caleb, but instead falls through one of the rotting stairs in the basement and dies. As Matthew and Betty debate what to do with the body, dead PI Ironside's cell phone rings, and caller ID reveals the call to be from "Foster." (As in Melanie Foster? Caleb's alleged victim?) Matthew and Betty decide to move dead PI Ironside into the trunk of dead PI Ironside's car but -- whoops! -- lock the keys inside with him. Zana apologizes to Julie and Susan for his past stalking/kidnapping ways, and they immediately forgive him. Suddenly Zana-sympathetic Julie and Susan hare-brain up a scheme to get Zana and Mike a-bonding by inviting them both to go bowling. And it totally works! Except that CreePaul is not amused, and he marches right over and sucker-punches Mike, who's innocently raking leaves out on his front lawn. Fisticuffs ensue, and Susan (who's driving by at that exact moment) gets so distracted by the man-battle that she runs her car into the back of dead PI Ironside's car. The trunk, of course, pops open, and the whole neighborhood gathers 'round to ogle the dead PI Ironside. The Ladies immediately all look at CreePaul, who shrugs, like "not it!" Later, Edie speculates that maybe the oh-so-suspicious Applewrong family is to blame for the body, and Betty and Matthew observe the gossiping with mounting worry. Also, Alberta kisses Mr. Whiskers, Bree kisses a photo of dead Rex, and Julie (uh oh) kisses Zana (but only on the cheek! as if that matters!).
Previously: George committed suicide and Bree didn't even try to stop him; Susan sent Zana to Utah; Andrew was pretty much gay; CreePaul wanted Mike to stay the hell away from Zana; and the asthmatic PI Ironside was after Caleb.
MAVO: "Kisses are such simple things. We hardly notice them." Bree is standing in front of a table, surveying a magnificent spread of party food. She's wearing pearls, of course, along with a somewhat disappointing silk party dress featuring murky brown lace. She's also holding a gigantic glass of white wine. A man in a blazer and a woman holding a glass of wine are making out feverishly in a very well-lit corner -- seriously, it's like they're trying to make butter with their heads, what with all the churning. Which is kind of weird: I'd expect this kind of PDA from two fifteen-year-olds at, like, a twelve-kegger or something. But at a parent party on Wisteria Lane? Huh...maybe this is a key party? Certainly Bree seems unfazed: she just smiles over at them and walks away. Though perhaps she's merely stunned and distracted by the mountainous princess cake that's sitting at the top of a tiered tray right in the middle of the table -- I know that's certainly where my attention would be focused. (Cream and custard and yellow cake and raspberry things, all wrapped in a skin of lurid green marzipan? Huzzah!) MAVO: "But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own." Bree walks over to a couple standing at the foot of the stairs and leans in to give first the man and then the woman cheek kisses. MAVO: "For example, some can say 'I'm so happy to see you!'" or "I didn't realize you'd be here!" Over on the couch, two women smile at each other falsely and then give each other air-cheek kisses. MAVO: "Or 'Honey it's time to stop drinking.'" A woman leans in to give her boisterous husband a kiss and somehow manages to neatly remove his precariously tilted glass of wine in the process. MAVO: "The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference."
In the kitchen, Karl, Mr. Mom Tom, Gabby (looking cute with her hair down and a flower tucked behind one ear), Edie, and Bree are all sitting around and laughing. Gabby: "So I finally said, 'If I'm head cheerleader, then nobody wears panties.'" (Wow, what?) This causes an explosion of laughter, and Edie almost spits out her drink. Tom volunteers that, as a member of the high-school marching band, he would have appreciated Gabby's rule. Immediately, everyone starts in, teasing him about being a band geek. Lynette materializes and tells them that not only was Tom a band geek, but that he played the tuba. Gabby confesses that all of her secret crushes were on the band geeks, a revelation Tom finds highly doubtful, what with girls like Gabby only ever being interested in guys like Karl (who clearly did NOT play the tuba). Tom, laughing: "All I know is I was a lonely, insecure tuba player, [and] girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out." This gets lots of "aww"s, and when he confesses that he didn't even have his first kiss until he was eighteen, he also gets a "poor baby" from Gabby, who goes on to insist that she totally would have kissed him. Tom says no, she wouldn't. Gabby says yes, she would. Tom insists again that NO, she wouldn't, but he tells her it's okay, since "those scars heeled a long time ago." Gabby: "Oh, for god's sake, come here. On behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world, forgive us." And with that, she grabs Tom's face in her hands and plants one on him -- there's no tongue or anything, but it's a substantial kiss. Everyone claps and hollers. MAVO: "Yes, kisses mean different things to different people." Tom breaks away (finally!) and does a little fake pratfall. MAVO: "Ultimately, the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing, and the one who sees it happen." The camera pans past Edie, who's still laughing it up, and Bree, who's smiling distantly, to Lynette, who is one, big, huge frownie. Whoops! And roll those credits.