Betty and Matthew leave the house in their car, and PI Ironside (still keeping watch from his car despite Edie's sexy threats) takes the opportunity to coolly jimmy his way into the house. After searching all the obvious places, he finally happens down to the basement, where he and his bolt cutters make quick work of the padlock on the dungeon door. Caleb -- who, unlike last time, is now wearing manacles (maybe Betty and Matthew only go into full lock-down mode with Caleb when they leave the house?) -- jumps up onto the bed and flaps his hands in fear. PI Ironside, taking in the full effect of the shackles, laughs and says, "You gotta be kidding me." He unlocks Caleb's bracelets. Caleb: "Mama's going to be mad." PI Ironside, with a big, face-cracking grin: "Don't you worry about it: mamas love me." Once Caleb is free, PI Ironside orders him: "Let's go." But Caleb sort of randomly yells "No!" right in PI Ironside's face. PI Ironside looks taken aback for a second, and then he pats Caleb on the shoulder and says, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have talked to you like that. Let's start over." And then he cracks Caleb in the face with a mighty roundhouse. Caleb flips over the bed, ass over heels, and PI Ironside shakes his wounded punching paw with a grimace.
Cut to PI Ironside, upstairs at the Applewrong house. He's peeking out the front window, checking the coast for clearness. Wisteria Lane looks relatively free of suspicious characters, so PI Ironside walks over to the top of the basement stares and yells down to Caleb, who's manacled again and sitting crouched at the bottom of the stairs. But Caleb isn't budging. PI Ironside pulls his gun out of his waistband and starts barking out threats. Caleb, who's crying now (or maybe just really, really sweaty?), continues with the cringing and staring. Finally, PI Ironside sighs and starts stomping down the stairs. He's right in the middle of telling Caleb he's going to "beat the stupid right out of--" when the stair he steps on abruptly gives way. As he's falling, his gun flashes.
Seconds later, as PI Ironside dangles halfway through the staircase, he has just enough time to look at the bloody hole in his chest and then pointedly look at the gun in his hand before he leans forward and dies. I knew it! Ah, the inevitabilities of Wisteria Lane: just as we were so sure that Bree, with her pearls and her tray of fruit and croissants, was going to walk in on Andrew gaying it up, we also totally knew that the all-of-a-sudden rickety stairs were going to give out at a juicy moment. (Though, I must admit that I am surprised that after all that ominous, foreshadow-y huffing and puffing, Ironside's inhaler winds up having absolutely nothing to do with his demise. Quite the red herring! Touché, M. Cherry. Touché.)