Back at home, a steamed Gabby is pacing around a bathrobed Carlos as he putts balls in their living room. (I guess he's recovered from his egg-poisoning, but not enough to head off to Africa just yet.) Gabby's thinking out loud about who might have told Lynette about John the Gardener. She rules out Susan, and then settles on John's mother, Helen, as the likely suspect; she starts ranting about who Helen might have told down at the salon and how clearly she and Carlos have to move, and so on. Throughout the tirade, Carlos just keeps putting along silently, until finally Gabby yells at him that she could use "some support." Carlos shrugs and tells her she brought it on herself. Gabby complains that it was a "harmless little kiss," but Carlos explains matter-of-factly that the neighbors don't see her as harmless; they see her as a "predator" re: her affair. And then he frosts that little cake of a revelation with a smug half-smile. Gabby traps Carlos's ball (his golf ball!) with her eight-foot-suede-spike-heeled foot and declares that she will tolerate Carlos rubbing her nose in the affair no more! In fact, it's time for him to go out and "even the score." That's right, she wants Carlos to sleep with another woman -- you know, to equal up the footing. She knows he wants to! Carlos scoffs, but Gabby insists: "Knock yourself out. Call up an old college flame. Rent a call girl. Fly to Africa and nail that little nun you've been drooling over." As an afterthought, she asks only that he not bring back any "diseases." Then she traipses upstairs while, in the foreground, Carlos raises a considering eyebrow. Oh Gabby. Gabby, Gabby, Gabby! Have you not seen The Big Chill? How about The Love Boat? Because if you have, then you know that this kind of offer will almost surely end with you doubled over in the shower, bawling and holding yourself close like a poor lost little match girl.
Over at the House of the Suspicious Mind, Tom gets into bed next to (a very fuzzy-headed) Lynette and asks her if maybe she's overreacting about the Gabby thing. Lynette grudgingly agrees, but declares that she's just sore that Gabby doesn't feel like she's at all in the wrong. Tom isn't really convinced, so Lynette elaborates: "You are an attractive man. There is a primal need for a woman to protect what's hers." Tom, deadpan: "So you really think she's into me?" Ha ha! Lynette, who is too wrapped up in her crazy to see that he's poking fun, snippily declares that she doesn't really know if Gabby's into him. Tom, gazing off into the distance: "Because you're right. I am an attractive man. You know what?" He turns to Lynette and excitedly rambles, "I've never told you this, but sometimes, when I bend down to pick up the morning paper, I catch Bree Van de Kamp checking me out." Lynette, still not sure, takes off her glasses and asks him if he's kidding. Tom: "No! Scout's honor! I've always exuded a certain...sexual magnetism. And as I get older, I think it's only become more intense." Ha! Ex-tuba players are awesome. Lynette, flat-out incredulous now: "Are you drunk?" Tom, who's really warming to the story now, deepens his voice to the sub-register of a late-night DJ: "Oh, I'm a hot guy. Living in a neighborhood filled with nothing but lonely ladies. They can't help themselves. I'm like...catnip." Finally, finally Lynette laughs, and she pulls him in for a kiss. "Thank you," she tells him. "Thank you for reminding me that I'm the only woman in the whole world who could love an idiot like you." I wouldn't be so sure, Lynette. Have you seen the lusty postings on our Tom Scavo thread lately?