Desperate Housewives
Pilot

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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
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Pilot

Okay, just so you know, I'm not going to do that thing where I pretend that I've never seen this show before, because I've been recapping this for weeks now and that's just too much work for me. Lying. I can't recap a lie, people. It'll make my head hurt.

Anyway. We open, as we do every week, on Wisteria Lane. All is well -- at least, it appears to be. Gabrielle drives by Mary Alice's House of Impending Doom as MAVO explains that, as we read this morning's paper, we may come across an article about the unusual day she had last week. We watch as she goes out, and does some work in the garden. MAVO explains that, normally, there's nothing newsworthy about her life: "All that changed last Thursday." MAVO narrates that it all started quite as usual, as we cut to a shot of her serving waffles to the family and going through the rest of her chores and projects and errands: "I spent the day like I spent every other day: quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used." She holds said revolver up to her head, and shoots. I rewatched this on slow motion, because the shot seemed a bit vague as to whether the hand holding the gun was actually Mary Alice's, but it definitely is. Mary Alice falls to the ground. Why, I guess she's dead! What a shocker!

Cut to Mrs. Kravitz tasting a puddle of red liquid. Which is, of course, not Mary Alice's blood, as the editing at first implies, but rather jam. She hears the Shot Heard Round The Lane, and heads right to her pantry. Finding a blender marked "Mary Alice Young," she grabs it and trots over to Mary Alice's to, you know, check shit out. When no one answers her knock at the door, she scampers around back, looks in the window, sees the body, screams, runs back to her own house, and calls 911. And then she takes the label off the blender and puts it back in her pantry. Let no one say that Mrs. Kravitz can't see the bright side of things.

Oh, dear. There are no proper credits in the pilot. Credits are when recappers rest! Sadly, I now recall that MAVO is super-blabby in this episode. I'm quite pleased that I decided to start ignoring her ages ago. She explains that her funeral was on a Monday, and that everyone came back to the house later to pay their respects: "And, as people do in these situations, they brought food," she says, kicking us neatly into an introduction of each housewife.

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Desperate Housewives

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