Desperate Housewives
Pilot

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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
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Pilot

Lynette, we learn, brought fried chicken and four of her alleged children. She is not wearing a choker. Repeat: THERE IS NO CHOKER ON LYNETTE. She's also chokerless during the flashback in which we learn that she used to be a real corporate mover and shaker. But, in case you missed the memo, she's much more stressed now that she has four bratty kids at home, all of whom appear to have been fathered by the Dark Lord rather than sweet Gay Matt. En route to Mary Alice's, Lynette is forced to take a moment to stop and tell the boys that they really have to behave because she's not looking forward to being humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. She takes a folded piece of paper out of her bra. "Santa's cell-phone number," she tells them, warning them that she's not afraid to use it. Parallelogram, Pentagram, and Pythagorean appear to buy this, but we all know that they're just waiting to unleash hell.

Gabrielle brought a "spicy paella" to the funeral, because she herself is spicy and Latina and also spicy BECAUSE she is Latina. We learn that she used to be a runway model, despite the fact that she is 5 foot nothing. But the question is, has she come to terms with her snout? We also learn that Carlos works in Mergers and Acquisitions and that he proposed on their third date. He even cried when she accepted! MAVO explains, however, that Gabrielle "soon learned this happened every time he closed a big deal." We also learn that Carlos and Gabrielle bicker a lot. They scamper out of the house and toward Mary Alice's, arguing about how he wants her to tell some dude something about how much her necklace cost, or some such, and she doesn't want to, and he reminds her that she owes him because they recently went to a party where she told the assembled guests that she slept with the entire Yankee outfield. Gabrielle insists that this factoid came up in context. And, in her defense, that is only three people.

KimberBree brought two baskets of homemade muffins to the wake, because she is a perfectionist with a miserable family beaten down by the force of her perfection. Which is ridiculous, since muffins cure everything. She and the family stroll in, and Rex and the kids mope around while KimberBree gives Creepy Paul her sympathies and also the muffins. "Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done," she chirps. Behind her, Rex's mouth hangs open. Oh, Rex, shut it. You cry when you ejaculate.

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Desperate Housewives

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