Desperate Housewives
Pilot

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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
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Pilot

So Susan races across the street and sacrifices Julie's Trojan horse to the God of the Pipes. Not paying attention, of course, to the rampant symbolism: namely, that Mike, like the Trojan Horse, is something of an unexpected gift, and that she might not be super-happy with what she finds inside. This lesson in symbolism was brought to you by Mr. Moran's ninth-grade English class, 1989.

Anyway, Mike comes over and digs the gunk out, and Susan blames Julie for the enormous wad of wood -- tee hee, I said "wood" -- in her pipes. Tee hee. "Kids, you know," she says. From the living room, Julie shoots her mother a dirty look. Susan gives her the old "I'm sorry!!" face.

Cut to the Saddle Ranch, which is actually a bar on Sunset, like I am so sure that KimberBree would go somewhere with bull riding. And yet she has. The entire Van de Kamp family looks crabby until Rex sends the kids off to play videogames, and then only KimberBree looks cranky, while Rex looks beaten. Sad. Downtrodden. Like a man who cries after sex. KimberBree chatters that she knows he thinks she's peevish about having to eat in a restaurant like this, but that she knows they wanted a change, and she's okay with that. "Something fun! I get it!" she says, absentmindedly cleaning her steak knife with her napkin. "You probably will want something healthier tomorrow night," she adds. Rex agrees -- if by "something healthier tomorrow night," you mean "a divorce." He can't live like this, he yelps. KimberBree looks alarmed, but is saved from having to respond to this when the waiter swings by and tells them to go crazy at the salad bar. "I'll go get your salad," KimberBree offers, and takes Rex's plate. Rex's mouth hangs open.

KimberBree stalks to the salad bar in a daze, right past a fascinated-looking Mrs. Kravitz, who immediately bounds out of her chair to follow and harass her. KimberBree loads Rex's plate -- with lettuce, yes, but also with onions -- as Mrs. Kravitz chatters on about nothing in particular. Finally, KimberBree extricates herself from her nosy neighbor and plops the dressing-covered salad in front of her miserable husband. She explains that the ranch looked suspect, so she got him the honey mustard. He just takes a bite. "Are you going to talk about what we said?" he says, through a mouthful of salad. "If you think I'm going to talk about the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restaurants are marked 'Chicks' and 'Dudes,' you're out of your mind," KimberBree retorts tartly. Rex soon starts wheezing and asks her what's on his plate. "You put onions in my salad," he chokes out and falls out of the booth, taking the table cloth with him. "No, I didn't," KimberBree gasps after him. "Oh, WAIT," she says, as he clongs to the ground.

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Desperate Housewives

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