Desperate Housewives
Pilot

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Pilot

House of MAVO. Zack gets out of bed and looks out the window. "The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before," MAVO says, as Zack heads into the back yard in his pajamas. "Many years ago, when he was quite young. But he recognized it instantly." Why, it's Creepy Paul, digging up the now drained pool. Father and son stare at each other. "It was the sound of a family secret," MAVO finishes. Dum dum dum -- oh, whatever.

Casa Ritalin. Gay Matt comes home to several screaming children and one stressed-out wife, who does, however, seem happy enough to see him. She wasn't expecting him for a week, she chirps. Gay Matt says he got her call and though she sounded "frazzled." He kisses her despite the fact that she's got baby food all over her face. "Mmm, peaches," he says. One of the boys wonders -- loudly -- if Gay Matt brought them presents. Gay Matt pulls out a football, and they all scream like little lunatics. He tells them to go outside right now and practice throwing for twenty full minutes. He passes one to Pasteurized, who squeals. "TOUCHDOWN!" screams Gay Matt. I really love Gay Matt

While Palm Reader, Palm Beach, and Palm Springs roll around in the front yard, Gay Matt and Lynette rush into the bedroom, kissing madly. She sighs that she's exhausted and she looks terrible. "Sorry, baby. Gotta have you," he says. She rolls her eyes. "Is it okay if I just lie here?" she asks. "Absolutely," Gay Matt grins, and she smiles back and kisses him. "I love you," she says. "I love you more," he says. Lynette then explains that the doctor took her off the Pill, so Gay Matt has to use a condom. Gay Matt is not wild about the condom: "What's the big deal? Let's risk it." Lynette gives him the look of death. "'Let's RISK IT'?" she squeals. "Yeah," he says. And Lynette then punches him right in the face. Which...ladies, violence is never the answer.

Wilshire General Hospital. Rex can't believe KimberBree tried to kill him. Oh, Rex. You're ever so naïve. She's tried to kill all kinds of people. "Yes, well, I feel badly about that," KimberBree says, and that line is so well delivered, I can't even tell you. She explains that Mrs. Kravitz distracted her and it was all a terrible mistake. "Since when do you make mistakes?" Rex spits, explaining that he's sick of her being so damn perfect all the time: "I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of the way you make the bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom." In the weariest yet nastiest tone possible, he calls her a "plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like 'we owe the Hendersons a dinner.'" KimberBree looks hurt and perturbed. Rex wonders what happened to the woman he fell in love with. Apparently, the old KimberBree drank milk out of the carton. Amateur. I don't even have milk in the house! Rex needs that woman back: "Not this cold, perfect thing you've become," he says. At this, KimberBree swallows, goes to the bathroom, ostensibly to put water in the flowers, and RIPS OFF HER WIG. No. Sadly, she just cries and cries. And then she pulled herself back together and sails out, perfectly refined.

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Desperate Housewives

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